onDVD Home

October 2007

Caligula

Caligula Three-Disc Imperial Edition Non prudes -- 3 ½ out 5 stars Prudes – 1 out of 5 stars for historical value, a blindfold and a big honkin’ warning to stay clear! Reviewed for Coffeerooms by Mike Jefferson

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

“Caligula” is an X-rated unflinching look at the decadence in ancient Rome. Well, you might flinch so much while watching it you’ll get Tourette’s. It’s a wonder these half nekkid horn dogs had time to behead one another – Let me rephrase that – give each other a hard time, oh never mind. “Caligula” has it all -- heterofeely, homofeely and generally a lot of cop-a-feely going on. There’s more penetration here than a three linebacker blitz into the Giants’ backfield – and just about everybody here gets their backfield in motion in one fashion or another. And now they’ve gone and released a 3 DVD Imperial version with an extensive essay by author R.J. Buffalo on the making and “unmaking” (read censoring) of the original film. (You can also take a shot at what the “R.J.” stands for – my guess is roving Jacuzzi.).

With the release of “Caligula: The Imperial Edition,” you can spend 8 plus hours immersing yourself in the sexual cesspool that was Rome B.S.L. (Before Sophia Loren). Screen writer Gore Vidal wanted to show the orgy of power. Director Tinto Brass wanted to show the power of the orgy. You don’t have to guess very hard to figure out who Bob Guccione, (the owner of Penthouse and the film’s financial backer), sided with.

Filmed in 1981, the uncut “Caligula” is still too far ahead of its time. I’m not easily offended; in fact most people know me as “The Depraved One,” Beelzebub, or by my adult film star name, Lance Ploughright. I’ve done things that make Jenna Jameson say “Yuck!,” but there are scenes that came from the dark recesses of Bob Guccione’s toupee splattered on the screen that made even this hearty hedonist turn away. If you’re the slightest bit offended by full frontal nudity – both female and male – you haven’t got a prayer here. The opening scene in which Caligula chases his topless sister around for some hookey dookey under a tree is kindergarten material compared to the major league rollin', tumbling,’ beheading and eviscerating that follows. There’s an orgy scene that leaves nothing to the imagination –Yes, there’s real X-rated Plato’s Retreat acrobatic sex on view here. It didn’t bother this libidinous lothario much – I was the president of my fraternity – so I could have written a few more shockers into the hump-my-leg-please plot. It was the executions, rape and torture scenes that gave me the urge to regurge. For example…Caligula carries a grudge for Proculus, a war hero who’s marrying Livia, whose status as one of the few beautiful virgins in Rome has piqued Caligula’s carnal interest. Caligula crashes their wedding, saying he has a “gift” for the bride and groom. Some gift. He deflowers the bride, happy to prove she’s a virgin as advertised. (I’ll never look at my kitchen table the same way again.) Then he defiles Proculus…And now we all know where the term proctologist came from. There are other scenes that give bad taste a good name, such as when Caligula executes a senator with a mallet that so comically huge he looks like he bought it at a yard sale from Gallagher. Then there’s Macro’s execution, in which one of the movie’s stronger characters is buried in sand up to his neck and beheaded by what looks like a giant weed whacker. At least a scene in which Caligula is awakened while sleeping in the same bed as his horse doesn’t ride off down the road to bestiality (“Watch those hands, Wilbur!”) Yet in the end, if you have a slightly bent sense of irony and yearn for something really different, you’ll find yourself rewinding the whole jaw-dropping sexual circus over again.

The plot is based on the writings of the historian Suetonius, who lived 80 years after Caligula was turned into a pin cushion at the tender age of 29 by the Praetorian Guard. In a conch shell, the movie’s about Caligula’s life as an adult. Caligula ruled for a scant four years, but to the thousands persecuted, exiled, tortured and defiled, it must have felt like a lifetime. To say Caligula had a few problems, is like saying Alexander the Great had a good travel agent. Caligula didn’t have the best role model – his adopted grandfather, Tiberius, lived to the very ripe age of 78, nearly three times the life expectancy of the average Plebian ducking sodomy, slavery, and swords in ancient Rome. By most historical accounts, Tiberius was a creative pervert – combine that with his ever increasing paranoia and an island retreat stocked with nubile women, eunuchs and boys, and its slap and tickle time 24-7 for the Emperor. The real life Tiberius poisoned most of Caligula’s family, including his beloved father, Germanicus, a military hero – and those Tiberius didn’t kill, he imprisoned or banished. In the tradition of keeping one’s enemies close, Tiberius had Caligula brought to his court on the island of Capri, where he was virtually a well fed prisoner. Tiberius, to say the least, knew how to keep a man down (disemboweling usually worked). It was Tiberius who perpetuated the name “Caligula,” meaning “Little Boots,” a moniker the future ruler earned as a child when he danced for his father’s troops. (Caligula’s real name was Gaius.) Caligula waited six years to become Emperor, and Suetonius hints he might have had to linger longer if Macro hadn’t lent a helping hand (actually both of them) in choking the last stanky breaths out of Tiberius.

Caligula’s glaring and shocking weakness was his love for his sister, Drusilla. I’m not talking sibling admiration here – Caligula’s obsession with his sister defined the term incest with a capital “I”. In the movie, Caligula makes the beast with two backs with just one of his sisters – the real life Caligula freely coupled with his other sisters, Julia and Agrippina (who must have been catching a double feature at the Acropolis because they aren’t in the film). Candy is dandy, and incest is best if your sister looks like the innocent and insatiable Teresa Ann Savoy (who plays Drusilla), but even as far back in the days when a tablet was a piece of stone instead of a pill, sleeping with your sister was viewed as a base, immoral act, one that wouldn’t exactly instill confidence in a ruler. Caligula’s most perplexing attribute was his own demeanor. The first half of his four year reign was prosperous, and Caligula was popular amongst the people of Rome (partially because he wasn’t Tiberius). In the third year of his reign he fell ill with a fever, recovered physically, but was completely off his chariot after that. If one believes the plot of the movie, Caligula blew his figs when the same fever that had left him at Pluto’s door (Pluto the God of death, not the cartoon dog), killed Drusilla. It’s also possible that Caligula suffered from any number of afflictions – epilepsy, syphilis or migraines (as the character of Caligula in “I, Claudius” suffered from). It might have even been a brain tumor that squeezed the last drop of compassion out of Caligula’s noggin and caused him to turn into Bob Guccione.

What’s stupefying about “Caligula” isn’t it’s creative stones – even twenty six years later parts of it will send you to the vomitorium. No, what’s surprising is the number of first-rate English actors who appear in this X-rated rutting rampage. Peter O’Toole, as Tiberius, is a logical fit. O’Toole is as much a sexual scallywag as his character, although I doubt the fondness for little boys thing. He’s made up to look like a leper -- grey, ashen, with chunks of flesh missing from his face, as if his years of inner depravity have taken its toll on the outside of his body.

Tiberius: Serve the state Caligula, although they are beasts.
Caligula: But they love you, Lord.
Tiberius: They fear me…And that is much better.

O’Toole plays Tiberius in typical over the top Shakespearian fashion, and his gagging death scene with Macro (played by studly and stoic Guido Mannari) has more ham in it than an Italian hero. What’s puzzling is how Guccione lured celebrated acting thespian (that’s thespian, buddy) Sir John Gielgud into taking on the role of Nerva, Tiberius’ trusted friend and conscience. Granted, Sir John makes a bloody early exit, but any visions of an Oscar nomination must’ve have been shattered the first time he saw the dwarfs, hermaphrodites, whips and sexual aids the size (and shape) of the Washington monument. When the dwarf demonstrated how to use the monumental toy on the hermaphrodite after whipping him/her, Sir John must’ve said “Check, please” and demanded a rewrite for his character before exiting for a seat on his psychiatrist’s couch. A young Helen Mirren plays Caesonia, a several times divorced trollop who sees Caligula as her wine and cheese gravy train. Mirren has been quoted as having few sexual hang ups, which probably prepared her for the scene in which she’s literally hung up – while her character gives birth. I saw Ms. Mirren in all her wrinkled glory in “Shadowboxer,” in which she played both Cuba Gooding’s step mom and lover. In “Caligula” you get to see Mirren dancing for a horse with a fake belly slapped onto her own to make her look pregnant. There’s a special place in the seventh circle of hell for the choreographer of that sexless strut. Since Mirren’s competing with a dozen Penthouse Pets and deviants who act like pets for screen time, she gets a pass in the past looks department. Besides, it’s her acting that’s beautiful. Amidst all the naked, sweaty, writhing decadence, Mirren accomplishes her mission to portray Caesonia as an opportunist hoping to survive.

Raised in a hippie commune, baby-faced Teresa Ann Savoy (Drusilla) seems to have no problem spending 2/3 of the picture unclothed, and neither do I. (Sorry, horny guy thing). She’s not one for conveying her mystifying hold over her brother in expressions (I don’t recall looking at her face very much anyway), but gets her point across by raising her voice, and, of course, through her actions on the bedroom divan. She’s right for the part, and it’s not just because she’s birthday suiting it most of the time – okay, maybe it is. The key player is Malcolm McDowell. Eight years removed from his riveting role as Alex, leader of the Droogs in the controversial “A Clockwork Orange,” McDowell plays the even more notorious title character. McDowell must have spent a lot of time taking Peter O’Toole pills, because his portrayal of Caligula is a spittle spraying, virgin splaying beaut.

One of the more intriguing characters is Macro, Praetorian prefect (head of the bodyguards). Despite having his voice dubbed, Guido Mannari cuts a bold figure as Macro – his sharp profile and proud visage belongs on a coin. If you want to check out what Guido really sounds like, take a look at “The Making of Caligula” which is on CD #3. In real life Guido sounded a bit like Bela Lugosi, and with nearly all the other characters talking as if they went to Henry Higgins’ finishing school, steely-eyed Guido became a well paid prop.

Since Guccione wanted the sets and the surroundings to look as authentic as possible, “Caligula” was shot in Italy, not far from where “Little Boots” turned the marble red with blood. As a result, there are a lot of Italian actors with names like Giancarlo Badassi, who is anything but a badassi – he plays Claudius, Caligula’s reluctant successor. Derek Jacobi, who assayed the role in “I Claudius,” portrayed him as stammering, staggering genius trapped in a twisted body. Looking like a grey-haired version of Dom Deluise, Badassi plays Claudius as a frightened bystander in the guise of a half-witted ninny. John Steiner plays Longinus, Caligula’s frustrated minister of finance. With a name like that you can bet he took a lot of ribbing from Little Boots. Donato Placido takes on the thankless role of Proculus, and I can only hope he was given a few extra ducats for all indignities he suffered through.

I repeat -- If you have a full frontal problem or a back booty problem, this movie’s obviously not for you. Slathering swine hoping to satisfy their weekly carnal lust quotient need to know that many of the bodies on display here aren’t perfect – this is the 80s pre-silicone, bikini waxing and Viagra – even the Penthouse Pets pressed into service look, well, almost typically human.

If you want to see the definitive “Caligula,” check out John Hurt’s portrayal of Little Boots in “I, Claudius.” Hurt appears in little more than a third of the shows thirteen episodes, but is a strutting, scene stealing loon, projecting mirth one moment and perpetrating death the next. McDowell is marvelous; Hurt is magnificent.

The Emperor’s New Clothes…The Extras

Disc 2 of the Imperial version contains an alternate pre-release version of the film, and audio commentary from Malcolm McDowell and Helen Mirren. There’s also an orgy of deleted and alternate scenes, including “Tiberius’ Grotto,” which shows that some of the freaky extras weren’t as limber during the first take as they were in the final one. There’s also photographic proof that sex with geese ain’t all that it’s quacked up to be. The scenes from “Satyrs, Nymphs & Little Fishes,” further demonstrate that men should never have their butts filmed, especially if it involves flipping over repeatedly in a chlorine saturated pool.

Disc 3 includes a 62-minute and an alternate 10-minute version of “The Making of Caligula;” “My Roman Holiday” with John Steiner, who played the unfortunately-named Longinus; a captioned interview, “Tinto Brass: The Orgy of Power,” featuring the film’s director, a hedonist who doesn’t lack for self-confidence; the feature “Caligula’s Pet: A Conversation With Lori Wagner;” and behind the scenes footage, still galleries, press kit notes, and cast and crew biographies. Shifting through this could very well make you as coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs as the title character.

A splendidly preserved Lori Wagner, PENTHOUSE PET OF THE CENTURY (no, not this one), dishes out fascinating stories about the filming. She lovingly calls Bob Guccione “The Italian Stallion from hell,” and makes no bones that “Caligula” stagnated, rather than started her career. She has no love for Malcolm McDowell, whom she describes as “horrible” because he stayed in character the whole time. Wagner was aware Guccione brought her on board to make “Caligula” more visually appealing, because up until the Pets were imported there was nothing sexy about the film. Wags was under the impression she’d have a speaking role in the film and was disappointed that she wound up little more than an extra – for nine months! Wagner takes the viewer through her hard times, sorry, tough times, including the flack she endured for her scene with fellow Pet Anneka DeLorenzo, which she claims was faked …Coulda fooled me (and did)… Maybe she’s a good actress after all.

John Steiner takes the audience through his 20-year career of making films in Italy: “I was extremely well paid, I had a great deal of fun, and I had no responsibility.” He also has virtually nothing nice to say about “Caligula.” He makes so many venomous comments about the production I’m surprised he wasn’t exiled to the Isle of Capri. Among the nicer things he has to say about the film: “It was a hideous experience. I didn’t enjoy it, but I was able to buy a house. I hated the people who worked on it. I think everybody got f***ed over.” Of actress Teresa Ann Savoy, he says, “She had a strange face. She was English, and could have been a wonderful porn star. She had a virginal beauty, something mysterious and dirty underneath it. I didn’t think she was very talented, though.” Steiner is refreshingly blunt and critical when he talks about “Caligula,” but just as grateful and pleased with the rest of his life.

The still shots of the naked extras have that “What the hell am I doing here?” look to them. “The Making of Caligula” (shot at the same time as the film) features a pompous Gore Vidal, outlining his “vision” for the film. After listening to his self-important blather, you might actually be glad his version of the film was never made. Bob Guccione, sporting more gold medallions than Mr. T, is equally self-absorbed, but at least he knows it.

Perhaps Helen Mirren (of all people) sums up “Caligula” best: “It’s an irresistible mixture of art and genitals.”

Hail Caesar!

Posted October 31, 2007 Permalink

Planet Terror

Planet Terror Extended and Unrated 4 out of 5 stars Reviewed for Coffeerooms by Mike Jefferson

A tribute to a period in the late 60s when cheapo double feature horror pictures ruled the drive-ins, “Planet Terror” centers on a group of dysfunctional heroes fighting flesh hungry zombies and an Army unit in bad need of a furlough. “Planet Terror” was originally part of a double feature, coupled with Quentin Tarantino’s “Death Proof,” which starred Kurt Russell as a hot rod driving psycho with an auto erotic penchant for murdering beautiful women. Even with blood letting editing the two films proved to be too much of a time commitment for movie goers, so when it came time for the DVD releases the Siamese grindhouse flicks were separated. Although “Death Proof” sports the better lead actor in the ageless Russell, thanks to a hardened heroine with a machine gun for a leg, former glamour boy Jeff Fahey going against type, a typically reticent Bruce Willis, the Crazy Babysitter Twins and vats of fake blood, “Planet Terror” is a good old fashioned squirm-in-your-seat screamer.

“Planet Terror” is preceded by a trailer for “Machete,” an action film spoof starring heavily tattooed Hispanic bad boy Danny Trejo as the movie’s main character. Next to hard-bodied William Smith and cock-eyed Jack Elam, Trejo, a genuine tough hombre who did hard time, is one of the most instantly recognizable of screen villains. He plays an assassin hired to take out a senator J.F.K. style, but is set up to take the fall. Aided by a gun toting priest (an unforgiving Cheech Marin), Machete sets out to avenge himself against the men who set him up. Even though it’s a fake five minute vignette from a make believe movie, there’s loads of action, and it has the look of one of those shoestring action movies in the 70s that Smith made a career out of.

“Planet Terror” begins with a seductive but teary pole dance by go-go dancer Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan). Cherry is like a Peanut M &M, hardened on outside but sweet and mushy within. She’s weary of her life as a dancer and quits to persue her dream of being a stand up comic (even though everybody says she’s not funny). Walking down a desolate dirt road, she’s almost run down by a convoy of army vehicles led by scientist Abby (debonair Naveen Andrews) and Lt. Muldoon (a typically dour Bruce Willis). The convoy meets up with a dealer of DC-2, a deadly poisonous gas that Muldoon and his men crave. In the ensuing shootout for control of the gas, Abby purposely shoots one of the canisters, causing the dealer and his men to melt like government cheese. The deadly gas slowly wafts into the air… toward the unsuspecting inhabitants of the nearby backwater town...

Meanwhile, Dr. William Block (gruff Josh Brolin) is convinced his wife, Anesthesiologist Dakota (Heather Graham look-alike Marley Shelton) is cheating on him with another man. He’s partially right. Dakota’s cheating, but it’s with Tammy (curvy rapper Stacey “Fergie” Ferguson, who cleans up real good). The Block’s go to work at the local hospital, where Dr. Bill treats an old friend (Nicky Katt, who plays the unsuspecting rube Joe). Joe’s arm is infected with a virus that’s threatening to consume his entire body, so Dr. Bill, not exactly dealing from his best bedside manner, coolly and quickly decides it has to be amputated. Meanwhile (there are a lot of meanwhile’s in this film), Cherry is offered a ride out of town by Wray (a morose Freddie Rodriguez), the tow truck driver she deserted. Meanwhile, Tammy’s car breaks down not once, but twice. The first time she’s helped out by restaurant owner J.T (a surprisingly scruffy Jeff Fahey), who interrupts his quest for the perfect Barbeque sauce to give her water for her car’s overheating engine. The second time Tammy’s car gives out she’s – surprise! – on a foggy, desolate stretch of highway. You’ll be screaming at the screen, “Get outta there, girl!” (How come the sex pots are always the first to go?) Passing drivers ignore Tammy (impossible in itself, considering how she’s attired), and suddenly Tammy is swept off the road and torn to pieces by a band of foaming zombies. Wray and Cherry witness the killing, but Wray is convinced it’s some of the local inbreds carrying off some road kill. As he warns Cherry to never swerve away from a deer “Because turning away can kill you,” he jerks the wheel to avoid hitting something in the road, rolling his truck. Cherry is pulled from the wreck by the zombies. By the time Wray catches up to her, Cherry’s leg is the main course in a zombie buffet.

Wray takes Cherry to the hospital, where he’s taken in custody by Sheriff Hague (authoritative but frequently wrong Michael Biehn), who’s always had it in for Wray and is locked in a blood feud with his brother, J.T., over his barbecue sauce. Back at the hospital, Dr. Joe and his staff have begun receiving dozens of infected bodies that seem to have died then gotten up and walked away. Tallying the dead gets in the way of Dr. Bill’s plans to kill Dakota, whom he immobilizes with her own needles and locks in a closet until break time. Dr. Bill goes back to check on old pal Joe, who’s killed the doctor who was about to severe his arm. A puss-squirting, full on infected Joe tries to cut Dr. Joe in half with an electric saw. Foiled when he pulls the saw too far away from the wall, Joe slimes Dr. Joe, and the germophobic physician immediately knows he’s about to develop a taste for flesh.

Meanwhile, Texas Ranger Earl McGraw (laconic but experienced Michael Parks) is assaulted by his invalid wife, who’s died while he was feeding her, and down the road apiece the zombies are on a full press assault against the police station. Dakota escapes the hospital, determined to rescue her son (Beatle-haired non entity Rebel Rodriguez) who’s being watched by the feisty Crazy Babysitter Twins (Venezuelan knockouts Electra and Elise Avellan). Wray, Hague and his men fight their way to the hospital, where Wray rescues a self-pitying Cherry. Attaching a table leg to her stump so she can walk, the group makes its escape to JT’s.

Bloodied, bruised and with a broken wrist, Dakota demolition derby’s her way to her house where she picks up her son from the Crazy Babysitter Twins, who are none to happy about having their social calendar delayed and take their aggressions out on Dakota’s car. Escaping the bat wielding twins, Dakota speeds to her father -- Earl McGraw. Leaving her son alone in the car with instructions to shoot anyone – (“Even daddy?” the boy asks. “Especially daddy,” Dakota replies as she departs). Children and guns frequently equal tragedy and a surprising plot twist involving Dakota’s son alters any future mother-son picnic plans. Making her way to the house, Dakota encounters Dr. Joe, who’s infected, irrational and still a bit miffed about her infidelity.

The action shifts to J.T.’s, where Hague is wounded, the Crazy Baby Sitter Twins have shown up with other uninfected townspeople and J.T.’s restaurant is on fire. But all is not lost! Hague now knows who Wray is…he’s the legendary El Wray! who may be a government operative and apparently never misses anything he shoots at. The survivors stage a heroic getaway from the hordes of zombies, who blow up real good when El Wray and the Crazy Baby Sitter Twins start taking target practice. But their path to freedom is blocked at a bridge by a group of zombies with “gotcha” in their eyes, and our blood spattered heroes are out of bullets…Will the intrepid group of misfits be eaten alive? And how are Abby and Lt. Muldoon involved? Needless to say, “Planet Terror” has a lot more to offer, including Cherry’s stub being fitted with a death-dealing machine gun, the appearance of yet another psychotic villain infected by the DC-2 gas, some surprising and even touching death scenes, and enough goo, gore and exploding zombies to make the Crazy Baby Sitter Twins – and you – hoot and holler for the good guys.

The film is shot like the grindhouse films of the late 60s and early 70s. (Films that were shot so quickly during this period were “ground out” – and the theaters that showed them became “grindhouses.” Subtle, eh?) The film is treated in spots to look grainy, and during one of the most crucial moments the film skips, and a vital scene is cut out. When it gets back on track, one of the characters is mortally wounded and there’s no explanation as to how he got that way, or what happened to put the heroes in even more jeopardy than before. When Cherry and Wray renew old acquaintances and start rutting up the screen, the film begins to jump, crackle and burn and is followed by the dreaded “scene missing” – just like it in the old days when an “accident” seemed more like the theater was censoring something middle American might deem too explicit.

The acting is exceptional and keeps “Planet Terror” from drowning in buckets of Heinz ketchup and pig guts. (Okay, maybe they used Hunt’s ketchup and Perdue parts.) Rose McGowan is Cherry (in more ways than one). She has the ruddy, dangerous look of a hard luck stripper. Slap a tattoo on her back and she could headline at a biker bar. If you like trading barbs -- and possibly punches -- she’s your girl. Director Robert Rodriguez says he based Cherry on McGowan’s tough but disarmingly caustic personality, and he ought to know – they became an item during and after the film. Marley Shelton, the film’s other female lead, navigates the role of put upon cheating spouse/protective mother/emerging heroine with pluck. Thanks to what she refers to as her “flexible wrists,” Shelton successfully coveys the helplessness of someone forced to come up big in a stressful situation. Sarah “Fergie” Ferguson was originally an actress before she became rapper window dressing, and displays considerable ease playing Dakota’s tough, but doomed lover. She has the life span of a security guard on “Star Trek” – a few foreboding scenes foreshadowing danger, some stalking, and it’s bye, bye Fergie. The camera loves Fergie (and so do I), so her quick but necessary exit was a momentary let down – then again by the time the film ends, a lot of characters you didn’t think would die literally end up in pieces.

Lead Freddie Rodriguez is a great actor – witness his work on HBO’s “Six Feet Under” – but he’s too scrawny for the role of hero and has to compensate by grunting and brooding. It’s a nice plot device when his mysterious character is exposed as “El Wray,” which if my Hispanic Bronx buddies were telling me the truth, is a slang term that yields the same degree of respect as calling someone “Hefe.” James Brolin is stone creepy as a jaded, vengeful doctor you’ll be glad doesn’t make house calls; Michael Parks, who once played a motor cycle rebel in his youth (“Then Came Bronson”), has settled well into playing fatherly “aw shucks” experienced icon types; while one time B movie matinee idol Jeff Fahey has embraced his not aging very gracefully and successfully goes against type playing a greasy, grizzled fry cook. Michael Biehn, who gave a definitive performance as cool killer Johnny Ringo in “Tombstone,” takes the role of the disbeliever (with a chip on his shoulder for the hero) to noble heights by adding subtle touches of comedy and irony:

Captain Hague (To Wray, as the zombies attack the police station): Where are you going?
Wray: I’m going to get Cherry.
Captain Hague: Okay, but we’re going in my car.
The Captain’s car explodes in a fiery ball of flame.
Captain Hague: Fine. I’m riding with you.

Naveen Andrews (Sayid on “Lost”) is obviously having blast playing Abby, a scientist with a nauseating collector fetish (Hint: They’re in a jar). He finally gets to play a character using his actual voice, which has the upper crust tone and sophistication of English actor John Hurt. Bruce Wills is stoic, stone faced and quiet. He only has a handful of scenes, and because of his clipped dialogue you forget he’s a pivotal character until he shows up for the climax. But hey, he’s Bruce Willis, and who knew when he was starring as a wise-ass detective on “Moonlighting” he’d turn out to be such a good actor. Twin sisters Electra and Elise Avellan, the crazy baby sitters, are ripe for their roles as blood lusting chatty Chiquitas. They’re abusive, abrasive, argumentative and alluring Salma Hayek’s in training. If this delirious duo doesn’t make it, then there truly is no justice in Tinseltown. Aside from Freddie Rodriguez, the only cast member who deserves a quick exit is Quentin Tarantino. Tarantino’s drooling testosterone-driven character is truly despicable, but that aside, Tarantino should simply leave the acting to actors and stay behind the camera. Caligula, Billy the Kid, and Baby Face Nelson may not have had the hulking physical characteristics of homicidal maniacs, but by all accounts they had the look of a killer in their eyes. Tarantino not only looks like Opie from “The Andy Griffith Show,” he’s more of a ham actor than Porky Pig. As for Danny Trejo, the star of the fake coming attraction “Machete,” the ruddy faced, tough as granite former drug addict and convict is proof that hard core prisoners can be rehabilitated. “Machete” is being made into a full blown theatrical release and Trejo is appearing in fourteen, yes, fourteen films over the next two years.

Another Planet

A second CD offers a graveyard of extras, including “The Badass Babes of Planet Terror,” “The Guys of Planet Terror,” “The Friend, the Doctor and the Real Estate Agent,” and “Casting Rebel,” a featurette highlighting Rodriguez’s selection as Dakota and Dr. Bill’s son.

“The Badass Babes Of Planet Terror” profiles Rose McGowan, Markey Shelton, Fergie and the Crazy Baby Sitter Twins. The Twins are director Robert Rodriguez’s nieces, who are indeed a bit off center, game for just about anything and the type of senoritas you shouldn’t date without ample bail money (certainly for them and maybe for you too). Rodriguez reveals he based part of Cherry’s character on McGowan’s real life desire to be a stand up comic and her list of “useless talents.” One of her useless talents, the ability to bend her back like a suspension bridge, is utilized in the opening dance scene. McGowan uses it a second time to greater affect when she ducks a missile in her explosion happy confrontation with Lt. Muldoon’s men.

“The Guys of Planet Terror” reveals that unlike the ladies, the male actors played characters that were diametrically opposed to their real personalities. James Brolin admits he found it a challenge to abuse Shelton because the two of them really liked each other, while Tom Savini, who played a self-assured vampire killer in “Dusk Till Dawn”, was challenged by the character of Deputy Tolo, an almost hapless screw up.

The most amusing featurette is “The Friend, the Doctor and the Real Estate Agent,” which focuses on three of the non-actors given supporting roles in the movie. Rodriguez literally hired a friend, his doctor (who brought along the gruesome slides you see in the emergency room), and “Skip” Reissig, who plays the strip club owner from Texas who speaks in the same incomprehensible tongue as Boomhauer from “King of the Hill.”

You might entertain becoming a vegetarian after watching “Planet Terror” (nah). You’ll need an open mind and an empty stomach when you watch “Planet Terror,” but most of all, you’ll need a smock. On the downside, you’ll find yourself checking the ingredients of your barbecue sauce more often. On the plus side, you’ll definitely entertain the notion of dating twins.

Posted October 17, 2007 Permalink

Fantastic Four - Rise of the Silver Surfer

Fantastic Four Rise of the Silver Surfer Movie: 3 out of 5 stars Movie with Extras: 3.5 out of 5 stars Reviewed for Coffeerooms by Mike Jefferson

The appearance of a metallic man on a surfboard in the skies over Japan causes the warm fishing lanes to freeze solid. Halfway around the world, the silver humanoid streaks across the sky and snow flurries begin to tickle the nose of the Sphinx. Who is the Silver Surfer and where can I get one of those cool surfboards?

“The Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” is the paint by numbers sequel to “The Fantastic Four,” which grossed 330 million worldwide. Too bad it doesn’t quite rise to the occasion.

The appearance of the intergalactic surfer is not only disrupting the weather, its also causing matter-sucking craters to crop up around the globe. But most importantly, the silver one’s appearance has interrupted the wedding of the century – the nuptials of Reed Richards (a/k/a Mr. Fantastic, a bland Ioan Guffudd) and Sue Storm, (a/k/a The Invisible Woman, a blond Jessica Alba). To save the world from destruction, General Hager (Andre Braugher, taking an acting breather) seeks out the help of the Fantastic Four; including a human rock quarry (a gruff but occasionally amusing Michael Chiklis) and impulsive publicity hound Johnny Flame (exasperating Chris Evans). An encounter with the Surfer shorts out Johnny’s powers, causing him to take on the characteristics of the team member he touches, and his impetuous actions nearly cost the team their lives during a rescue mission.

The radiation from the wake of the Silver Surfer’s board revives Dr. Doom, who encounters the silver one in Greenland. The scheming armored villain wants to form a let’s-end-the world-together franchise with the aluminum alien, who rebuffs him. Insulted and angry, Doom attacks the Surfer, whose retaliatory electrical charge blasts Doom the across an ice flow like an ill-prepared clown shot out of a cannon, but also serves to restore his powers. Leveraging his first-hand knowledge of the Surfer, Doom manipulates General Hager into forcing the Fantastic Four to work with him on a plan to disarm the intergalactic silver moon doggie. The tag team of supernatural brainiacs realizes the Surfer’s power is in his board and develops a series of pulse generators designed to make the surfing star rider wipe out. The Surfer glides in front of Sue as she’s finishing setting up her device. The two parley, and Sue discovers he’s a herald, an advanced scout, for Galactus, a gluttonous planet eater:

Sue: Why are you trying to destroy us?
Surfer: I have no choice.
Sue: There’s always a choice.
Surfer: Not always…

When the Surfer tells her, “My service spares my world and the one I love,” Sue realizes the troubled air-rider may not be the enemy they thought. Hague and his men open fire on the Surfer, who protects Sue from harm. With Hager’s cracks shots distracting the Surfer, the others fire the pulse that knocks their free floating foe off his board. Taken to Siberia (kinda obvious, ain’t it?), the now helpless Surfer is tortured old school style by a sadistic doctor. Doom steals the Surfer’s board and his absorbs its power. Now it’s up to the Fantastic Four and their new ally to stop Doom. In the process, one of the four makes the ultimate sacrifice to save the Surfer. With the fate of the world hanging in the balance, the Surfer is forced to make a choice – serve his master and sacrifice the woman he loves, or save his friends and their planet. Turning to Reed, he says, “Treasure each moment with her (Sue) and tell her she's right, we do have a choice.”

The plot is easier to figure out than a Dr. Doom double cross, but it’s secondary to the special effects. The chase into dangerous air space and into space itself between the airborne Johnny Flame and the Surfer is a panorama of supersonic imagery that’ll make you believe its mankind’s right to fly faster than a speeding bullet -- just watch those landings if your candle goes out. The accidental transfer of powers from one hero to another also yields some amusing special effects, including allowing Michael Chiklis a few moments out of his cement tile suit to act as irresponsibly funny as Curley Howard of the Three Stooges (a role he played that re-launched his career). Chiklis’ transformation injects some levity into a scene that was already stretching to make a point. Speaking of which, there are too many scenes in which the not-so-fantastic-four act as if they’re auditioning for “The Gong Show” or putting together a superhero blooper reel. There’s the lame “I feel betrayed” banter between The Thing and Johnny when the latter overhears Sue and Reed talking about breaking up the team; Alicia’s (the Thing’s girlfriend) uncanny ability to tell whenever Johnny’s in the room -- not to mention her teeth-grinding talent for dispensing sage-like advice. Every time Alicia enters a scene you expect her to whip out a crystal ball and predict the future like some cosmic gypsy. All she needs is some mandolin music and the Gabor Sisters in tow. Alicia also gets the better of Johnny in their verbal jousts so easily you expect Johnny to let out a surrendering “D’oh!” Then there’s Johnny’s Hugh Hefner come ons directed at General Hager’s hot aide. She has the all the resistance of Play Dough (or is it play D’oh!). You know without having to use Alicia’s clairvoyant insights that the General’s aide will eventually melt to asbestos boy’s charms. The story is clichéd, packed with weary plot devices … The skeptical general… The noble/troubled villain… The double cross…The notion that the whole is better than the sum of the parts… Love conquers all. There are no surprises, but don’t forget the source material is a comic book, not “War and Peace.” Turn off your mind and ride the wave of special effects.

The actors reprising their roles as the not-so Fantastic Four give credible performances befitting the PG rated comic book banter written for them. Ioan Guffudd hardly stretches his talents as Mr. Fantastic. His best scene is on the dance floor when he boogies down to the beat and stretches out like the Rubberband Man. Guffudd has to look brainy, so he occasionally ruffles his brow and gets as self-absorbed as The Professor used to on “Gilligan’s Island.” And just as Russell Johnson’s egghead somehow ignored the charms of Ginger and Mary Ann, Guffudd’s rubbery professor concentrates so hard on the task at hand that he ignores Jessica Alba. Alba, who showed she was more than a pretty face in “Sin City,” is given the difficult task of looking beautiful and acting brilliant. Thanks to a bad, brassy blonde dye job and baffling dialogue, she’s neither. When a gruff voiced brute with a bad case of acne is your comic relief, you’re asking for trouble, but Chiklis comes off as being more multi-dimensional than the rest of the quarrelsome quartet. Impetuous hot shot Chris Evans is annoying, which to some degree he’s supposed to be. His buddy buddy bonding talks with The Thing are strictly filler designed to show he’s not a complete narcissist but in the end serve to show he is. The real star of the movie is the Silver Surfer, voiced by Larry Fishburne (James Earl Jones must have been busy), and played in the metallic flesh by agile actor Doug Jones. Although he’s little more than a guy wearing a leotard dipped in silver, Jones’s close ups convey the inner struggle he bears at having to serve Galactus in order to save his own world. An unnecessary Kerri Washington returns as The Thing’s sightless but insightful girlfriend, Alicia, as does an underutilized Julian MacMahon as Dr. Doom. He’s an afterthought brought back from the dead in case there’s a Fantastic Four #3., (And you can bet Thor’s hammer there will be.) With his manicured eyebrows and Oxford mannerisms, McMahon makes Dr. Doom as threatening as a “Queer Eye For The Straight Guy” alumni. Distinguished actor Andre Braugher (Frank Pembelton in “Homicide: Life on the Street”) plays nay saying General Hager, his talents hamstrung by a lack of definition. In a few short years, Braugher has gone from Emmy to empty.

Galactus, the real villain of the movie, is little more than a combination threatening thundercloud and swirling whirlpool. In the comic book series, Galactus was a two story humanoid, as much in conflict with his need to swallow planets for his life’s blood as the Silver Surfer in his role as the dupe guiding Galactus to them. The Surfer’s guilt preys and builds within him as the plot progresses, but Galactus is no more than a swirling boogie man waiting for his lunch. His lack of form forces the audience to doubt his hold over the Surfer. What? A cloud has control over the Surfer’s will? When was the last time a thunderstorm forced you to commit murder? (Folks who live in the hurricane/tornado belt don’t have to answer.)

Fantastic Extras

It’s the extras that prop up an otherwise mild surf. You get a second DVD that’s just as long as the movie, only with more plot twists. You can follow director Tom Story and his crew as they work their way through pre-production meetings and scout locations (including an ice house that becomes a freezing labyrinth when the crew gets lost, and an extravagant theater that serves as Dr. Doom’s lair). I was surprised to find out that many of Doug Jones’ scenes were actually live action shots rather than special effects. No, he can’t actually fly, but he’s a lot higher off the ground than most real life surfers who at least have the ocean to break their fall. Jessica Alba continues to show she’s a good sport by getting tossed around like a bungee jumping rag doll, all the time laughing about it. (I bet the insurers of the film won’t be laughing when they see her doing her own stunts.) But the nice guy award has to go to Chiklis, who not only quips while carrying a brickyard on his back, but also comes face to face with a 1,500 pound Kodiak bear and acts like he’s talking to Yogi Bear.

Sequels are a tough act, and without a substantive plot, “Rise of the Silver Surfer” is hardly fantastic. The only character that seems remotely human, the Surfer, is ironically the most humanoid. The others are cartoons, siphons for the special effects. “Rise of the Silver Surfer” isn’t a wipeout, but it’s no killer wave of intellectual action either.

Posted October 17, 2007 Permalink

Rocky and Bullwinkle

Rocky and Bullwinkle The Best of Rocky and Bullwinkle Vol. 2 3.5 out of 5 stars Reviewed for Coffeerooms by Mike Jefferson

Hokey smokes! The second volume of cartoon capers starring Rocket J. Squirrel and Bullwinkle J. Moose, those two furry heroes from Frostbite Falls, has hit the stores.

Aired in Ike/Kennedy years (1959-64), “Rocky and Bullwinkle” was animated show that couched its political satire in the amusing adventures of Rocky, a chirpy, quick-thinking flying squirrel and his best pal Bullwinkle, a naïve, kindhearted moose. It may have been a cartoon, but its then topical subject matter meant it was just as popular with parents as kids. Many of the plots poke fun at the cold war spying activities between the U.S.S.R. and the U.S. Parents will have to guide their kids through this, but it’s a great opportunity to bond and show off what you know about a rarely discussed period in our history when commies were on every corner. The cartoons main villains were no goodnick Pottsylvanians Boris Badanov (a pun on Boris Godanov, an early Russian ruler) and Natasha Fatale (a more obvious poke at femme fatale), both of whom sounded conveniently Russian. Their “superiors” were Fearless Leader (a not so subtle caricature of a Nazi complete with a scar, a sadistic personality, and a Prussian accent) and Mr. Big (a shadowy figure who was anything but). The voices were provided by the versatile Paul Frees and Bill Scott, with William Conrad serving as narrator. (Conrad would later step in front of the camera as corpulent detective “Cannon.”). Despite his macho name and diving-bombing acumen, Rocky was actually voiced by June Foray, the queen of female voice overs. Foray also lent her voice to Natasha, Nell Fenwick (a character on the “Dudley Do Right Show”) and later appeared in “The Flintstones,” “George of the Jungle,” “The Jetsons,” and just about any cartoon series you can recall from the 60s.

“The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle” relied heavily on the power of the pun. Two of the titles of the complete story archs on the DVD, “Wottsamottuu,” and “Treasure of Monte Zoom,” are dead giveaways that “Rocky and Bullwinkle” isn’t a night at the Old Vic. But writers Bill Scott, Alan Burns and Jay Hayward were such geniuses at slipping in satiric banter you’ll groaning one moment and doubling over with laughter the next.

“Wottsamottuu” is the most involved of the three storylines, spanning 12 segments. At roughly four minutes a segment, it zips along like one of the many forward passes Bullwinkle tosses during the action sequences. The plot centers around Wottsamottuu, a school with 22-year tradition of having never scored a touchdown. In a state of financial ruin, the faculty decides the only way to turn the school’s fortunes around is to build a successful football team. Coach Rocky Knute (see, even the names are punny) sends out his scouts to “beat the bushes.” “Why beat the bushes?” one scout asks. “Because the kind of guys we want are probably livin’ in ‘em,” Knute replies. Strolling through Frostbite Falls, Minnesota, two scouts spot Bullwinkle and Rocky. Rocky is baking a salami soufflé and needs to get to the store before the soufflé falls. With a mighty alley oop toss, Bullwinkle catapults his flying squirrel pal into town. The scouts sign Bullwinkle, who sets records with his sling shot arm and makes Wottsamottuu the number one college team in the nation. Determined to profit from the school’s gain, Boris and Natasha try to fix one of the games – “I know moose can throw passes,” Boris comments, “I wonder if he can throw a whole game.” Natasha’s uses her transfixing cartoon charms to trick Bullwinkle into playing poorly, but an anxious Boris counts his rubles before they’re cashed and the plot fails. Determine to vanquish “Moose and squirrel,” Boris forms his own team with Fearless Leader as the head coach: “Last man out of the huddle gets shot!” commands the monocled disciplinarian. It’s not exactly on par with Vince Lombardi’s best motivational speeches, but Fearless Leader has the hardware and the aim to back it up. Because Wottsamottuu is undefeated and Boris’s team (The Mud City Manglers) is supposedly a girls’ team, the odds go up to 500-1 in Wottsamottuu’s favor. Boris bets the Pottsylavanian ranch against his adversaries, but he’s also learned from his previous failure: “We can’t take chances. This time our fiendish plan will have a fiendish plan.” The season ending game features an epic battle right out of the Civil War (or as one character keeps insisting, “The war between the States”).Guns, bigger guns, bayonets, trenches, rocks disguised as footballs, and petrified referees find their way into the plot – and that’s just in the first three quarters. Football hasn’t been this uproarious since the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges ran amok on the grid iron.

The second and funniest storyline is the eight episode “Treasure of Monte Zoom” (not to be confused with the similar themed Get Smart spoof “The Treasure of C. Errol Madre”). Boris and Natasha’s search for the legendary treasure of race car driver Monte Zoom has led them (of course), to a lake in Rocky and Bullwinkle’s hometown of Frostbite Falls. The treasure is at the bottom of the lake and Boris figures the only way to get it is to pull the plug and let the water drain out. Posing as fisherman Spencer Traceback (a take off on Spencer Tracey’s character in “The Old Man In The Sea”), Boris tricks Bullwinkle (yet again) into helping him, disposing of him when the gullible moose gets sucked into the subsequent whirlpool. Rocky dutifully follows his antlered friend down the drain. Boris recovers the treasure chest and tries a Potsylvanian Persuader #2 (two pounds of T.N.T in a one pound bag), then drops the chest off a cliff (and himself with it) in a vain attempt to open it. Foiled, he and Natashsa set off to get an A Bomb to blow it open. Reunited with Rocky, Bullwinkle’s simplistic observation allows him to open the chest, revealing…a car...but not just any car, it’s a1903 Asperson Jackrabbit! (Okay, I couldn’t figure out the significance of that either.) The battle for the procession of the car and Natasha’s closing line are spun from gold and won’t leave you flat.

The third story arch, “Goof Gas Attack,” brings back a reoccurring character, Captain Peter “Wrong Way” Peachfuzz. Peachfuzz sounds a great deal like character actor Ed Wynn, who was known for playing odd ball geniuses. The plot revolves around the suddenly drop in I.Q. of America’s most noted scholarly minds and scientists. Who’s behind the fiendish plot to turn America into a continent of morons? Boris and Natasha, darlink, who else? Boris is spraying the country’s great minds with goof gas – “One poof and you’re a goof.” When the dastardly duo goes to Washington and prepares to spray Congress, their observation of all the filibustering going on rings true even today. Boris sprays Rocky with goof gas, so the fate of the free world is in the hands of the already dumbed-down Bullwinkle! Can Bullwinkle save the day and will Rocky call him Mom for the rest of the series? Will Boris get the scientists to fire their missiles and blow up the country, or will his fiendish plan misfire? The answer is a real goof and a gas to watch.

More Moose and Squirrel

The extra footage is as rare as a talking moose. I don’t even remember it, and I watched the show. Then again, I would have been sucking down strained peas in 1961 and had the attention span of a gnat (okay, so nothing’s changed). The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show had a live segment back then introduced by a Bullwinkle puppet that looked as if it had been fashioned from a wet bathroom rug. The puppet gave a minute of two monologue of what was going to be on TV that day. A shilling moose? The live action promos were canned when Bullwinkle (voiced by actor Bill Scott), told his audience to pull the knobs off of the TV so they wouldn’t miss next week’s show. He told them to put them back on the following week, but by then calls to repairmen had increased at a staggering rate -- as had complaints from parents paying the bills -- so the Bullwinkle skit was euthanized. Soupy Sales found himself in a similar position a few years later when he told kids to grab the green paper out of their mom’s pocket book and mail it in to him. Sales got a lot of cash, made a humble apology, but like live Bullwinkle, passed into history. Scott’s comments are cute, and it’s interesting to see how Mom and Popish the sets were back then.

The original Rocky and Bullwinkle show offered up additional segments, including the side-splitting spoof “Dudley Do Right” (an oblivious Mountie and his smart horse versus stop-at-nothing villain Snidely Whiplash), the always creative “Mr. Peabody” (an intelligent dog and his boy time travel back to historic moments in time), and “Fractured Fairy Tales” (warped interpretations of classic childhood stories). These segments have been edited out and compiled on their own series of DVDs, making the Rocky and Bullwinkle storylines precede at a much faster pace then they did when they were first aired. Then you had to wait week, now it’s a matter of seconds before the next segment airs. So you not only get entertainment, you get closure. So don’t be a nogoodnick, dahlink, get animated and check out the hilarious adventures of Rock and Bullwinkle.

Posted October 16, 2007 Permalink

The Beatles "HELP!" ~ Deluxe Edition

The Beatles HELP! ~ the Deluxe Edition w/ script, book, more. 5 out of 5 stars Reviewed for Coffeerooms by Mike Jefferson

Open your eyes!…

You don’t have to squint at that bootleg copy of “Help!” anymore. (Maybe you have one, I certainly don’t!) On October 30, EMI Music will release a 2-disc digitally restored DVD set of “Help!” the hilarious 1965 feature film starring The Beatles. The set will feature the original film, a 30-minute documentary about the making of “Help!,” missing scenes, and recollections from the cast and crew. Spare no expense and go for the deluxe box set that also includes Director Richard Lester’s script, a 60-page book of rare photos and production notes. You know the picture’s going to be shipshape and the sound sharper than Einstein’s I.Q., because this is The Beatles we’re talking about – numero uno – so the production’s going to be first class.

If you don’t know who The Beatles are, well you probably can’t read this anyway and I don’t want to know you. Let’s just say that without them you might not have/have had rock & roll as you know it, MTV, LSD, long hair, free expression, or singer/songwriters. You’d be listening to Al Martino and combing your crew cut before going to the dinner table in a jacket and tie. To say The Beatles were huge is to say Barry Bonds has hit a fly ball or two.

Lester, who helmed The Beatles’ frantic day-in-a-life debut, “A Hard Day’s Night,” was a master at combining slapstick with the current pop culture. More importantly, he understood that Beatle fans wanted to see the Fab Four as handsome, witty, cool bachelors, even of they really weren’t that way in real life.

The plot is as thin as actor Victor Spinetti’s hairline. In a far eastern country, the sister of a high priestess is about to be sacrificed. The sacrifice is halted when the high priestess (enticing Elizabeth Bron) points out to the high priest (blustery Leo McKern) that the victim isn’t wearing the sacrificial ring, so she can’t be “Slaughter jolly with a knife.” So who’s wearing the ring? It’s on the finger of The Beatles’ drummer, Ringo Starr, of course. McKern and his followers head to London to retrieve the ring. Ringo is more than willing to give it back, but can’t get it off his finger, targeting him as the next sacrifice. The Beatles try everything to get the ring off, including taking Ringo to a mad scientist (Spinetti), who recognizes its value and decides he must have it. A Marx Brothers marathon pursuit ensues as The Beatles are chased throughout London, Switzerland, The Bahamas and back to London by McKern, Spinetti, and Scotland Yard. Along the way there are acidic zingers from John Lennon, matinee idol posing by Paul McCartney, wry observations by “The Quiet Beatle” George Harrison, and comic mishaps featuring that lovable sad sack, Ringo. Starr shows a talent for making the audience laugh with him, laugh at him and empathize with him whenever he’s feeling a bit down or sorry for himself. Starr would capitalize on his ease in front of the camera, starring in a number of successful cult films including, “The Magic Christian” (with Peter Sellers, Raquel Welch and Christopher Lee), “Candy” (featuring Richard Burton and James Coburn) and “Caveman” (with future wife Barbara Bach and Dennis Quaid).

So what makes “Help!” a better movie than “Hard Days Night?” Well, geez, for one thing, it’s in color. It’s also got a superior sound track – “You’ve Got To Hide Your Love Away,” “You’re Gonna Lose That Girl,” “I Need You,” “Ticket To Ride,” and “I Need You” to name a few. Secondly, with one movie under their belts, The Beatles seem more at ease with the lunacy going on around them. (Maybe the liberal amounts of pot they were smoking at the time helped.) A main reason “Help!” is a better movie is Leo McKern, whose villainous turn as the high priest eats up the screen. I have to admit I absolutely hated Wilford Brambell, who played Paul McCartney’s scheming grandfather in “A Hard Day’s Night.” Although he was referred to as “A very clean man” (a reference to Brambell’s character in the TV series “Steptoe and Son,” the model for “Sanford and Son,” in which he was called “A dirty old man”), there was nothing to like about his character, a sour pussed conniver who even tried to turn Ringo against the others (boo, hiss). McKern is a better comic foil, more at home with the frenetic pacing. Victor Spinetti, who appeared in “A Hard Day’s Night,” and later “Magical Mystery Tour,” was a favorite among The Beatles. He even starred with John Lennon in a stage production of Lennon’s “In His Own Right.” Spinetti displays his talent for playing a snooty know-it-all done in by his British built equipment as well as his bumbling assistant (Roy Kinnear). Every pre-teen I knew fell in love with Eleanor Bron’s exotic Mati Hari femme fatale character, and Patrick Cargill nails his role as a the stuffy Superintendent of Scotland Yard, a symbol for the upper crust landed gentry types that Lennon loved to satirize:

Superintendent: So this is the famous Beatles?
John Lennon: So this is the famous Scotland Yard…
Superintendent: How long do you think you’ll last?
John Lennon: Can’t say. Great Train Robbery, ay? How’s that going?

Silly? Sure. This isn’t “The Godfather” or “The Sands of Iwo Jima.” “Help” is a swingin’ 60s farce conducted at the speed of a Keystone Cops short with all the quips, pratfalls and
nudge-nudge-wink-wink comedy that would later crop up in “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.” (George Harrison, it should be noted, helped bankroll some of their movies.)

On the heels of “A Hard Day’s Night,” other groups followed suit, including The Beatles’ closest competitors in the singles market, The Dave Clark Five. They lensed “Having A Wild Weekend” (a/k/a “Catch Us If You Can”) which was also released in 1965. The group’s mistake was centering the plot on drummer Dave Clark, who plays a stunt man who falls in love with an actress. Problem was Dave Clark was no Ringo on screen. Lacking warmth or comedic ability, Clark’s as wooden as one of his drumsticks, and the film itself tries to make too pointed a statement about love and the trappings of being a pop idol. Singer Mike Smith, as affable as Ringo, as snap-crackle-pop quick as John, as wise as George, and as matinee handsome as Paul, winds up in drag for way too long, and another member of the band, guitarist Lenny Davidson, plays a mute! Amusing, yes. Wild? No. Like The Monkees’ movie, “Head,” (co-written by Jack Nicholson), “Having A Wild Weekend” greased the skids for the Dave Clark Five’s demise.

“Help!” perpetuates the Beatles’ image as clean cut ups. It captures The Beatles before the drugs, the arguing and…ulp…YOKO. You’ll see them when Beatle mania was in full flight and when they were still brothers, all for one and one for all. You’ll forget it’s been nearly thirty years since John Lennon died, and marvel at the cheek of a manchild who hadn’t even turned thirty. George is already cranky, but the mysticism that clouded his optimism hadn’t sunk in yet. Back then, Paul knew how to write a tight pop ditty, long before people realized they really did have enough of Macca’s silly love songs. And Ringo, well, he’s still Ringo. One of us. Even back then he knew he was an average bloke who’d gotten lucky and happened to wind up in the greatest rock and roll band of all time. Above all, the guys were having fun, and it shows on the screen.

Posted October 3, 2007 Permalink