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Issue # 000001
For the Week Ending 10/27/00
Weekly Highlights
This week started out with Theresa catching Gwen and Ethan locking
lips in his bed. “How could you do this to me?” (((((SCRUNCH))))) You’ve risked the financial well-being of your family,
defied your mother, lied to your brother, broken promises to God and convinced a man to break off his wedding to
his life-long love and all of a sudden loyalty is an issue for you???? BWAAHHAAAA!!!
Did you notice how resentful Ethan became when he realized someone
had set him up?
I certainly hope Theresa took notes. It’s clear to me that Ethan would take exception to being manipulated and
played for a fool.
This is definitely NOT good news for our little Terror. I think its safe to say that WHEN Ethan finally learns
the truth about Terrorcita’s calculating maneuvers, the blue eye shadow is really going to hit the fan.
As the Terror descended the Crane staircase in her classic melodramatic
over-acting fashion, we were treated to a beautiful montage – Ethan at the airport, the wharf kiss, the “I don’t
love you” scene, the hospital, etc. I seem to have a vague recollection of these scenes but in my version everyone
was moving really really
fast.
Theresa’s re-entrance into the Crane Mansion was truly a glorious
moment for her. For the first time she wasn’t at the house as the housekeeper’s daughter, or Ivy’s personal assistant,
or an employee. No, for the first time she entered her lair as the OTHER WOMAN. Sniff....our little girl has really
grown up. It warms my heart to see that Theresa finally moved up a rung on her own little twisted ladder of social
ambition.
So Theresa believes The Crane Mansion represents the “Great Harmonian
Dream”. Where have you been
for the past nine months sister? Have you not noticed the alcoholic adulterer and the unhappy wife that live blissfully
in two separate bedrooms? Have you not noticed the strapping young heir that jilted his fiancé right before
their wedding? Oh that’s right, you did notice him. But really, how bright do you have to be to realize the Crane
family, with all its wealth and riches, is more dysfunctional than a set of Firestone Tires? Maybe it’s the fine
china she dreams of eating from, or the fancy crystal chandeliers she dreams of swinging from.
I’m sure the REST of Theresa’s family looks at the Crane Mansion
with such coveting eyes. I’m sure that’s exactly what Pilar ((((mineshaft)))) and Luis are thinking (((((Miguel))))) right
now. In fact, I bet most Harmony residents are snug (((((Miguel)))) in their beds ((((((shaft))))) right now, dreaming
a little (((((Miguel))))) dream of how swell life would be if they ((((((mineshaft)))))) only lived on the hill
(((((((Miguel))))))) in the big fancy white house ((((((shaft)))))).
To tell you the truth, I can’t think of one single Harmofreak that
drools while gazing at the Crane Mansion like Theresa does – well, maybe Hank and I shudder at the implications.
“At least I can say I’ve made it this far!”
You sure have sweety. And if it weren’t for that pink and black
zebra jacket that went out of style way before you learned to say “do you have these pants in a smaller size?”
you’d almost fit right in.
We finally got that token phone call from Pilar so we wouldn’t
be able to say Theresa went the entire week without asking about her brother. Of course, the Miguel portion of
the phone call lasted all of five seconds and then it was back to really important matters – Theresa. Pilar gave
her old predictable “you’re going to destroy everyone’s life” plea and Theresa gave her classic selfish “shove
it up your pie-hole” response. YAWN.
Poor Pilar. The conversation was so traumatic she became dizzy
and almost lost her footing. I’d like to personally thank JER for snatching another opportunity to demonstrate
the frailty of the female sex and our inability to deal with stressful situations without cutting off the supply
of oxygen to our feeble little brains. Thanks ALOT Jimmy.
The week ended just as expected. Theresa has THE letter scanned
into her laptop and she’s supposedly going to tell Ethan about his true parentage. Will she go through with it?
Will they get interrupted in classic soap fashion? I was really hoping Theresa would e-mail the file to someone
so we would get another opportunity to watch something download SIDEWAYS in super slow-mo. I guess we’ll have to
wait and see.
Ethan’s Corner
I have to hand it to Wonder Boy this week – he really is a genius.
There are two beautiful women in his house right now. One of them, he has screwed over royally and the other one
he hasn’t screwed at all, yet they are both in his living room practically begging to be the next Mrs. Ethan Crane. Nice work.
I also really enjoyed Ethan’s “I didn’t act like a Crane” speech on Thursday. Was that his nobility in his pocket
or was he just happy to see two women fighting over him? It reminded me of the time Ethan made out with Theresa
at Gwen’s country club in broad daylight. At least Daddy Crane would have had the decency to drag her behind the
topiary.
Health Tip of the Week
Try doing 100 facial scrunches at least three times a day. I’ve
tried it and it really improves the mobility of my nose and eyebrows. Within two weeks you should have no problem
flaring your nostrils prominently next time you catch your boyfriend in bed with his fiancé. Facial scrunching
is also an excellent economic alternative to wasting money on expensive Halloween costumes. I tried it on my neighbor;
he assured me it was scaring the hell out of him.
Mama Hotchkiss Quote of the Week
"Theresa is a tramp. But she’s a young
tramp with all kinds of adolescent fantasies about love"
Awww Rebecca, I knew you were good people.
Thoughts to Ponder
I think Miguel should be killed in each and every episode – like
Kenny on South Park. They can just keep bringing him back every day and finding new ways to whack him
Pilar: “Oh my god! They killed Miguel!”
The rest of Harmony in unison: “YOU BASTARDS!”
Come on JER, it’s time you realize Miguel’s strengths and weaknesses.
Why don’t you just mull that over for a while and get back to me on that. Okay?
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