Occasionally I enjoy a spot of tea. Itís nothing fancy Ė I donít get out my silver tea pot and the Queen of England
doesnít come over. Although if she wanted to, Iíd be glad to have my husband put on his tux and pour her an extra
Having a cup of tea is supposed to a relaxing ritual, like taking
a bubble bath. Although baths have never been very relaxing for me because once Iím in the tub, I notice all the
spots in the bathroom that I missed on my last cleaning, back in 1997. Okay, let me be truthful here; it wasnít
really 1997 when I last cleaned my bathroom. It was 1993. And, of course, itís when youíve finally got the water
nice and hot and the tub filled with bubbles and you just step in that calamity strikes or your neighborís kids
come in and try to sell you things. I donít know about you, but I find nothing peaceful in being pressured to
buy band candy while my body slowly gets pruney.
Having a cup of tea is still usually a pretty tranquil activity,
however. Assuming you survive the tea-purchasing process, that is. Have you seen how many choices there are
these days? Remember back in the old days when there were only two tea flavors: plain and lemon? Well, now you
can spend your entire day trying to choose from among orange, cranberry, black cherry, peach, peppermint, cinnamon,
chamomile, hazelnut, vanilla, peanut butter, meat loaf, etc. Okay, I made the last two up, but Iím pretty sure
that somewhere in a tea research lab deep underground, scientists in white lab coats and yellow teeth are working
on these flavors at this very minute.
Just when youíre about to fall into a heap on the floor and
beg passing strangers to pick a tea, any tea at random so you can just get out of the store and on with your life,
you notice the "medicinal teas." Now maybe I just have lower expectations of my beverage products than
most people, but I really only want them to quench my thirst and perhaps calm my nerves. I never really expect
them to take my temperature and instruct me to take two tea bags and call a 1-800 number listed on the side of
the box in the morning.
At a recent visit to my local supermarket, I spotted the following
Computer De-Stress Tea Ė I assumed this tea wasnít for the computer,
but the computer user. Although it didnít say on the box. It did, however say, that the tea was "infused
with eyebright and kelp." I donít know what eyebright is, but it sounds like a problem youíd get after spending
too much time staring into the sun. And kelp? Well, thatís not a big selling point in my book.
Pollen Season Tea Ė This tea is supposed to help people with
allergies, although reading the word "mucous" on the side of the box made me tear up. It wasnít clear,
but from the picture on the front, the tea appeared to come with its own bees. Hopefully, those were packaged
Womenís Toning Tea and Menís Toning Tea Ė Why didnít I know
before I bought those expensive walking shoes last month that all I really needed was a few cups of this stuff?
The womenís tea says it has "More wild yam root." More than what isnít clear. The menís tea comes
with Saw Palmetto, and instead of instructions on how to brew it, some random baseball facts.
Sexual Healing Tea Ė The store was out of this one, so Iím not
sure if it contained Viagra or was flavored with a dozen roses and a box of chocolate. I recommend the latter.
There were also teas to help you think more clearly, reduce
inflammation, lose weight, and improve your mood. The cashier at the check-out stand could have used the latter.
Pots of it. She got a little annoyed when I asked her if the teas had been to medical school.
If there have to be so many health teas, Iíd like to recommend
some of my own. Iíd like to try Anti-Gravity Tea to lift things up to where they used to be back in before the
great fall. Dandruff-Reducing Tea. Memory Tea. And, last but not least, Iíd be the first one in line to buyÖ
darn it, I canít remember!
All these choices have worn me out. I think Iíll just have
a cup of coffee.