JOHN CARPENTERS VAMPIRES
Directed by John Carpenter
Screenplay by Don Jakoby
Based on the novel Vampire$ by John Steakley
Starring James Woods, Daniel Baldwin, Sheryl Lee
My advice: Ugh.
Rating: * out of *****
Well, well, well. It's apparent now that I see just about everything, isn't it? Bear in mind my home is inhabited
by a Creature of Nontaste; a husband. As a result of living with said Creature of Nontaste I am often forced to
watch movies of Nontaste. I've seen many movies of Nontaste. I rank this right up there with "Starship Troopers".
Remember this line? "The only good bug is a dead bug." Ha ha ha ha ha. My sides hurt.
This movie sucked. Now I need to laugh again. I'm so funny.
Okay, it's not that a good vampire movie leaves me cold. I like "Interview with a Vampire" as much as
any other spooky movie I've laid eyes on, but this is clearly a man's film made for a man by a man and yada yada
yada. Here's the scoop:
Jack Crow (Woods) is a high-tech Vampire slayer. He's a regular killing machine. What he does, not very Buffy-like,
is fire a bolt from a super-slick crossbow into the offending vampire and then he hooks it up to his jeep and drags
them out into the sunlight to burn. POOF! You know, I should have shot a bolt into the video box and pulled it
into the su.....never mind.
Crow isn't your average unemployed Vampire killer. No, no, no. He and his second in command, Montoya (Baldwin)
work for the Catholic Church. The Church enlists them to kill a 600 year old Master Vampire named Valek (Griffith),
who is looking for something called the Berziers Cross which will transform him and allow him to create a brand
new master race of vampires capable of walking in the daylight. In pursuit of this crafty little devil, Crow and
Montoya lose half of their team and end up with a now-bitten hooker (Lee) that is ready to turn all toothy on them.
They want to use her to track her sire.
Well, now we have explosions, hookers, lots of blood and Lee who shucks her clothes. Well, in all fairness I am
sure it was in order to stay "true to her character". <shoves finger down her throat> Ugh ugh ugh.
If you are a woman like me, forget this one. And most importantly, do not rent it for younger viewers! It's too
graphic and the sexuality is way over the line. However, if you need a quiet reprieve from the hubby, just slap
in this tape and pass him the remote. I'm sure his eyes will glaze right over. I know my husband's did.