December 8th, 1999
Things I Have Learned from
Happy day, happy day. Got some new collectibles last night.
Three new Beanie Buddies. So cute. I gather up junk and hoard it in my office like a squirrel packing away for
the winter. It honestly is imperative I bring all of my good stuff to work otherwise my kids will destroy it all.
I've learned my lesson well.
My boss actually shelled out about one hundred bucks for a storage unit for my "books and stuff" and
now all my books are crammed into a corner, covered with dust and the case is populated with Beanie Babies and
porcelain dolls. Ha ha. Jokes on him.
As I sit here typing I'm hitting redial on my phone keypad in
an effort to wake up my husband. I'm at about one hundred rings. Wooo hooo. He answered. It's a good thing I don't
sleep this deep. The kids would have had to full body slam me in order to get me to change their diapers when they
I stopped by my mom's last night and unloaded all of our Christmas stuff into her spare room. I'm going to be wrapping
there while they are out of town. Oh my God, I have so much stuff. I never put it all in one space together yet
so it didn't seem so idiotic. The problem with me is a buy all year long. A little bit here and a little bit there.
Mostly clearance items; with four kids you have to be creative. What a Christmas we're going to have. I may just
have to move all of the furniture into the yard in an effort to get all of the presents under the tree.
I've decided to attempt something fresh and new today. Bear with me. This could be painful.
Things I have learned from my kids
Goldfish can survive a short period of time in the back pocket
of some bluejeans.
Goldfish can die from shock.
In a half an hour flat a three-year-old can color herself purple and green from head to toe with permanent marker.
She will stay purple and green for seven days.
If you call Poison Control for a purple and green kid, they will laugh at you. Heartless bastards.
If you let your children take their guinea pig out into the yard a pack of stray dogs will shred it like a dandelion
Toddlers do have a sense of humor. My smallest son once informed me he pooped in his pants. As I scolded and carefully
disrobed him I found the underwear empty. I looked at him he said, "Ha ha." What a kidder.
If you keep a child up until three a.m. on the weekend in an effort to get him to sleep in, he will still rise
with the roosters.
If you need to get up and go to work, that same child will want to sleep until noon.
A preteen female NEVER HAS ANYTHING to wear.
Your weekend wash will consist of eight thousand pounds of NOTHING TO WEAR
Model airplane glue, when cleverly applied by a toddler to his genitals can, and will, cement his hand to his privates.
When a husband feels his "lineage" is in jeopardy it's amusing to watch him panic.
A beanbag really does hold a whole bunch of styrofoam.
Styrofoam has great staying power and is resistant to every vacuum cleaner known to mankind.
If you spend eight hundred dollars on a gift they really would rather play with the box.
The only toy they really want to play with is the very toy their sibling is playing with at that current time.
A Barbie Turbo Racer is the perfect size for a frightened kitten.
A small child will attempt their first backflip into a pool ONLY when grandma is there watching.
Grandmas can still move pretty fast.
Corn starch, ketchup and milk are very hard to get out of the carpet.
Old milk is really stinky.
A Ping-Pong ball fits cleverly into a mouth.
It's difficult to dislodge a Ping-Pong ball while you're laughing.
They really would jump off that bridge if their friends went first.
Cleanliness is next to....well....in my house if it's clean it hasn't been next to anything.
What have you learned from your kids?
your stories here!