November 13, 1999
A premature Christmas
Happy EARLY freaking Christmas!!! Guess what I did today?
That's right. I put up my damned tree. And I decorated my yard and bought Poinsettas and....well, you
get the idea. Now before you pass judgment, I have to tell you it is imperitive I enjoy the season as soon
as I possibly can. The closer I get to the actual date, the more frazzled and unreasonable I become. This
way, I ensure myself three weeks of genuine holiday spirit before I feel the need to rip the drumstick off a turkey
and beat someone senseless.
I also went to a movie today. Saw The Bone Collector
with my eleven year old daughter. I'm feeling a tad senile and bitter - she figured out the killer long before
I did. And here I thought I was really paying attention. It was a good flick. I'll be doing a
review sometime in the near future on my movie
review page. Yes, I have a movie review page, too. The
tremendous lack of life on my part is overwhelming, no? I actually have about forty pages up and running
right now, not counting my journal. I need to unplug. I spend too much time online.
Back to Christmas. In keeping with my early seasonal robust
mood, I present to a short holiday poem. Enjoy.
Honey, it's the night before Christmas, and my patience is
waning. You have to add on those wheels, she'll need them for training."
"Can't you see that I'm trying? My God, I'm just human!
There's, like, eight thousand bolts and the instructions are German."
"Well, how hard can it be? You once built a Ford Truck."
"Shut up, woman, I'm trying....ouch.... now I cut myself...
"Hey, would you watch the language and try to quit shouting."
"It might help my mood if you quit sitting there pouting.
I've been working on this for what seems like forever and the most that you've done is wrapped one or two sweaters!"
"You're such an idiot. My mother was right. I can't
believe it's the Holiday and you want to fight."
"I'm not arguing, silly. My patience is shot. I'm trying
"Sure, that takes a lot."
"Funny. You're witty. Now hand me that wrench. I found
some instructions that are written in French."
"Get it yourself. I'm untangling lights. This would
be a lot easier if you'd wrapped them up right. Whatever possessed you to wad them all funny?"
"I did it while watching the Super Bowl, honey."
"Figures. Sports addict. I think you need therapy."
"Better than talk shows.... I've seen you watch Jerry."
"Whatever. Forget it. Will you just get that done. She
might like to ride if before she turns twenty-one."
"You know, I am fed up to here with your nagging! Just
wrap up those presents and quit all the ragging."
"Hey, watch it, buddy. You just shut your fat mouth
or you better get used to the family room couch."
"Fine. I can sleep there. After all, our bed's boring."
"You might get it more if you quit that damned snoring.
I bet soldier's in training get more adequate rest. I'm sleeping three hours a night at my best."
"I don't want to talk about it. Hey, watch what you're
doing. Now you knocked out a bolt I was trying to screw in."
"Well how else do you expect me to get to the tree?"
"Forget it. Hey, turn on the light. There, that should
help me see. Now, insert sprocket A into B, there, that's tightened. Wow, all this inserting is making me quite
"You know, we can always wrap later instead. Drop all
those tools, I'll race you to bed!"