November 4th, 1999
Feeling a Bit Flaky
When I was young I really do not recall having so many cereal
choices. All I seem to remember is flakes, flakes and more flakes. Do you know what I mean?
"Honey, what kind cereal do you want for breakfast? Flakes
God bless my Mom. She always made me feel like I had a choice.
Now I think the cereal racketeers have spun out of control.
There is more cereal on the market out there than one can actually conceptualize and some of it is so questionable
I am shocked the FDA has not already stepped in and put an end to this travesty.
Example: Captain Crunch Christmas Blast with pop-rocket candy
that dyes your milk red.
Ew. That is all I have to say.
The hardest thing about all of these choices is that it makes
my already screwed up mornings just that much more confusing. My four year old will keep me searching for hours
for the perfect cereal.
"What cereal do you want, honey?"
"Not the big ones, Mommy. I want the little ones."
Okay. Little ones. That would no doubt be the Rice Crispies.
That is the littlest cereal I have.
As I take out the Crispies she goes into override.
"NOT THEM! I WANT THEM ROUND LITTLE ONES"
Round little ones. Aha! Cheerios! They, by far, are the smaller
of the "round little ones" cereal group.
So, out come the Cheerios.
"Not those! Those don't have any color! I want the color
I knock a box of Cornflakes onto my head and I feel as if I
am about to cry. Fruitloops? Little, round, colored Fruitloops. I hesitantly grab for the box.
"No, Mommy! Not the birdie ones! I want the Puff ones!"
Puff. Puff. Sugar Puffs! Oh, the bear one. Puff. Of course.
I reach for the Sugar Puffs.
Smoke begins to blow from her ears.
I move to the Cocoa Puffs.
She begins to shudder so hard I am afraid her head will pop
Fifteen minutes later my husband comes in to find me sobbing
on my kitchen floor amidst eighteen boxes of dumped out cereal. As I sift through the Cheerios, my child sits at
the table grief stricken and starving. I am a failure as a mother.
"Good Lord, Honey. What are you looking for? I'm pretty
sure the kids took all of the decoder rings out of those boxes the day I brought them home"
"The Puff cereal. I need little, round, colored Puff cereal.
You know, the Puff ones. Please. Help."
My husband steps over me and, reaching up into the cabinet,
pulls down a box of cereal with a dragon on the front.
"See honey? Puff. Puff the Magic Dragon. Here he is."
As my daughter sits down to her bowl of Puff, I call my therapist
and try to schedule another appointment. He advises me that he is booked solid due to the holiday season.
He then suggests I go lock myself in the closet. Sound