March 30th, 2000
Tips for Motherhood
Please note, we have had a death in the family. I shall return
on Monday but there will be no entry Friday, March 31st, 2000.
Some more tips for motherhood.
Motherhood can be a very complicated time in your life. At some point you will sit down to pick some Silly putty
off of your foot and wonder, who are all these kids, and why are they calling me Mom? I’m going to take a moment
to pass on a few helpful shortcuts I have learned over the years. The less time we waste, the more time for buttons.
Miss your old highschool friends?: No need to pick up the phone. Why bother Ma Bell? And reunions? Forget about
them. The best way to make contact with those friends of your youth is to go shopping barefoot with your hair in
rollers. This will bring to you at least one old girlfriend of your past. Add to this look no makeup and sweat
pants with a hole in the knee, and you shall be sure to bump into your old boyfriend. (Warning: be sure to wear
a matching shirt. A sweat top of any different color will bring not only your boyfriend but his current girlfriend,
Playboy's Miss July. Who really wants to meet her, anyway?)
No time to mop the kitchen?: Why even bother! Just leave your four-year-old unattended for a few minutes and she
will happily dump thirty-two ounces worth of dish soap in the washer and turn it on while you're making the bed.
By the time you are done, not only will your kitchen floor be clean, but it will be so full of suds you’ll expect
penguins to pop up from behind the refrigerator. You get a shiny sud-filled floor and a free Alaskan cruise, killing
two birds with one stone! Yay for you!
Need time away from the hubby?: Every seasoned mother knows this answer, but for the sake of you newlyweds, I’ll
jot it down anyways. Just ask him to fix the shed door or move something heavy around. He shall be off to trek
the Andes in minutes. Make sure he takes the kids.
In case of fire: Do not call a fireman. That is silly and time consuming. It takes much too long to get a fireman
to your house by dialing 911. The surest way to get a whole squad of really good-looking firemen to your house
is to not wash your hair for two days straight. (This also works if you are merely lonely for company, as well.)
"Mom! Mom, come here!"
"Is it the beanbag chair again? I’m not interested."
“No, Mom. You realllllly need to see this.”
Tip#1 - Anything we really need to see is invariably the same kind of thing we never want to see. Ever.
I find my smallest child in the living room with his head stuck to the bottom of the coffee table.
I peek underneath and tug on him with considerable effort.
"What on earth is he stuck to?"
"I don't know."
"Weren't you supposed to be watching him?"
"I did watch him. He took his PopTart, rubbed it on his head and then climbed under the table. I watched him
Mom’s will eventually get too tired to argue the finer points of things.
“I really don't think I can get him loose. His hair is, like, cemented to the bottom of the table. Are you sure
it was his PopTart or did he get some crazy glue?”
“What are we going to do? Do you want me to call dad?”
“No, just make him comfortable for now. I won't wash my hair for the next few days. We can get the firemen to cut
See you on Monday! Have a wonderful weekend!