March 21st, 2000
I believe in flying saucers. I believe in BigFoot. I believe
that Elvis is alive and well and running a bait shop in Southern Louisiana.
If any of you doubt this, even for a moment, I suggest you tune into any late night syndicated radio talk-show
and take a listen in.
(Authors note: The following in an actual excerpt! Do not let the fact I had been up for twenty-four hours with
a sinus infection while simultaneously setting a new world record for button sewing in anyway effect your belief
in this amazing event!)
"Good Evening, fellow peace seekers from Northern America! Let me take a moment to thank you for visiting
our new web page, WWW.WOWWHATAKOOK.com over
Everyone wanted to see those brand new alien pictures we talked about all last week! We are pleased to say we had
almost 1 million hits! May we also stress, just one more time, the writing on the UFO does not read Goodyear. We
believe the camera was held backwards while taking the photo so in
actuality the word you should be seeing is Raeydoog. Clearly a questionable word with sinister implications.
Now I'd like to take a moment to welcome Bubba Hooters to the show. Bubba?"
"Howdy, Bob. Well, it's sure a pleazure to be talking at ya."
"Thanks for being here, Mr. Hooter. We know you took a huge risk in coming. I am sure our readers appreciate
you being here. In fact, I am also sure, if given half the chance, my readers would construct a shrine by the door
of your outhouse and worship the rise and fall of your daily internal functions.
Now, Can you fill us in on your story?"
"Sure, uy-yup. I was hunting with my old dawg, Clover, down by that stretch in the Jasmine river that kinda
curves into that funny little loopy thing? You know that stretch? There good possum huntin down therebouts. Well,
Clover caught a scent of something and took of running and then I heard this big
"And that would have been the space ship crashing, right Bubba?"
"Uh, nope. That was my cuzin Jimmy-Joe-Bob falling over his rifle again. He's got purdy big feet and he's
"Really? How interesting! I am sure that all of our readers who are not already dangling from an eave in their
attic are dangling on your every word! Please go on!"
"Well, I helped him up and then we wandered some into da forest, ya know, to check on a trap or two? And all
of a sudden, we heard this shrill and horrible shrieking from the forest to our left. Sounded like someone was
squeezing the devil bone dry from an alley-cat."
"And that would have been the Alien, right Bubba? Wow, I am so excited. An actual alien encounter on my show!"
"Um, nope, Bob. That was Etta Mae, Jimmy-Joe-Bob's wife. She don't like it when he hunts much so she loaded
all the kids into the truck and came a looking for him."
"Really? How fascinating. And then what?"
"Well, we looked for some place to hide, ya know? Cause that Etta May is meaner than a rattler when she's
been drinking. We found this thicket of prickly-bushes that looked purdy good so we sat in there. That's when we
heard a rustling in the bushes."
"The Alien found you while you were hiding in the bushes? Well, I had no idea they would be so good at tracking!
That has been yet unreported in abductions and sighting prior to this one! I'm going to be famous!"
"Oh, uh, nope, Bob. Wasn't the alien yet. Was just a skunk. He dipped me and Jimmy-Joe-Bob something fierce.
I ain't smelled nothing that bad since the day Reverend Lucas caught his hair on fire while lightin the blessing
"Wow. An alien and a skunk all in one night. I am overwhelmed. What an awful experience for you."
"Ay-yup. It was purdy bad. So, cause we smelled funny, we went down to the wading crick and took of all our
clothes and rinsed em all out. Then, all of a sudden, we got hit with this great big ball of light in our eyes
and we were frozen like Snipes on Snipe huntin night."
"An alien ship! Oh my! How lucky! What a fortunate event!
"Uh, nope. Twasn't a ship. Jus' Stevie Ray. He's our local trooper. He thunk maybe Jimmy-Joe-Bob and I had
took to the drinking cause Etta Mae had set him out to looking for us instead of meeting him in the back Shed to
tend to his lose buttons like she does every Friday. Those lawmen gots lots of buttons, ya know. So he packed us
up in his Gremlin and took us to the pokey. We had to cool off there."
"So, you were on the way to jail when an alien shipped stopped the cruiser? Wow! To have a police witness!
Now that really validates your story!"
"Uh - nope. No, no spaceship. Stevie just took us in and locked us up."
"Okay, Bubba. Now, you have to pardon me here, because my producer told me you had an actual alien encounter.
Can you just cut to the chase and explain to me exactly when that occurred?
"Ay-yup. Sure. Stevie Ray went and got us some sammiches while we were sobberin up. Jimmy-Joe-Bob puked up
his chitlins in the car and Stevie thought that might settle his belly some. So, he gave us our sammiches and he
also got me a bag of my favorite chips, ya know? Now, I knew right away these was special Fritos cause how's Stevie
supposed to know my favorite chip, ya know what I mean, Bob? And when I opened the bag and took out a chip I had
one in there shaped just like Alf."
"Alf? Alf as in the old television show about the alien from space. That kind of Alf?
"Ayyup. Alf. Now Jimmy-Joe-Bob and I were really excited cause after we quit seeing Alf on the picture box
we had thought he'd gone back. Like E.T., ya know? But it was Alf. Clear as day."
"Alf. Okay, I'll bite. Can I see this Alf chip, Bubba?"
"Nope. I ate him. Now Alf is living in me. He's helping me run my bait shop down in Southern Louisiana."
"Okay. I think that about wraps it up. Thanks for coming in Bubba."
"Nope, Bob. Thank you. Thank you very much.
Alf-chip then left the building
See ya tomorrow!