Jan 20th, 2000
"I Accept This Award"
Just the other afternoon I received an email. Apparently this
mail is from another one of those vacant individuals who is, no doubt, operating the Internet with a foot peddle
and spinning wheel.
On occasion I get these missives. It appears these deluded folks honestly believe that any movie star's site they
sniff out online is actually operated by that movie star themselves. All it takes is one click of a button and
you can just email that star direct.
I can see how easily one can labor under this delusion. Even more so after they tour my low-quality, poorly archived,
empty, worthless Brad Pitt homage page. I am sure, should Brad ever choose to operate his own page on the web in
between photo shoots, he could only hope to create something as fabulously crappy as I have.
The letter in question, I think, deserves a response. Hang on to your hats. Here we go.
"I hereby promise that I shall do the very best job I can. Thank you for nominating me as Mr. Brad Pitt. You
have no idea what this means to me. Oh yes, and if for any reason I cannot fulfill my obligations, you can always
resort to using the runner up, Mr. David Schwimmer. I hear Jennifer already likes him."
Hello Mr. Pitt:
I am E-writing on behalf of my 16 year old niece,Katie *****. (Authors
note: Names have been deleted to protect the innocent. Just imagine how embarrassed she'd be if this ever filtered
back to her!) What a sweet-heart. Even more than you.
She is active in all of the Student Counsel activities at her local school. She also is active in travel club---Sports
--well if it needs to be done Katie will do it. (More
notes: I can already see a few sick, twisted, slobbering men ready to promote themselves as Brad Pitt and get back
to her forthwith via email) She is also on the prom
committee. She is on all the committees. The problem is she does not as of yet have a date to the prom. She is
gorgeous and smart- a Christian girl with a great family. (Me included)..BUT out here on the prairies of Montana
there is slim pickings for a date. (Her mom is the local Justice of the Peace. That makes it worse.) Her mom and
I decided to Email you to see what you might be doing on some Saturday night in April. I don't even know the date
yet. Jennifer is invited too. What a blast.
Keep Sweet. Awaiting your reply.
Aunt Sass (as they call me here).
Dear Aunt Sass;
Thank you for the marvelous email! Imagine my surprise and delight in being invited to a prom in Montana! You know,
I don't even care if Katie is cute or as ugly as a rabid prairie dog! I mean, 16 years old! Wooo hooo! Does she
have one of those cute little school girl outfits with the tartan skirts and kneesocks? Jen won't wear hers for
Forget the travel club and sports. Let's focus a little more on "if it needs to be done, Katie will do it!".
I have quite a bit of stuff I need to get done. I prefer to get done, and done often until I am left in a sweaty,
spent heap on my bedcovers. How does little Katie feel about that? Jen only likes to get done on occasion. We can
negotiate more later.
I can certainly see how the pickings must be slim out there in backwoods of podunk Montana. My last movie, "Fight
Club," -- although quite popular with the wrench toting, chew spitting crowd -- didn't even top $1,000 in
revenue in your neck of the woods. What do you do with your flicks out there to make them so unpopular? Screen
them on the back of a cow's ass?
However, that Justice of The Peace things does cause me pause. Don't get me wrong, I can always hire Shapiro to
defend me, if needed, so that's not the problem. What I really want to know is, what does she wear under her robe
and when I'm out there can I check for myself?
You're right. It does sound like a blast. A regular hootenanny. Tell you what, you just name be a date in April
and I'll be there. Just look for the hot, blond guy holding the jar of KY jelly and canister of whipped cream.
Mr. Brad Pitt.
There you go. That should cover it. Oh, and before I get any emails, no, I didn't send it.
But I really want to.