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Thread: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

  1. #1

    Post My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    I wrote this several years ago; I try to keep updating it whenever something "major" happens. It's long, but it's funny. Enjoy (if you can stick with it)!!

    My Family, by Will Reed-Roberts Horton:

    My mom’s name is Samantha Jean Brady and my dad’s name is Lucas Roberts. My mom and dad were actually step-sister and step brother because my maternal Grandpa, Roman Brady, married my paternal Grandma, Kate Roberts. Now we weren’t too sure if was really my Grandpa. Seems to be some confusion there. My real Grandpa may have been my step-Grandpa John Black, who could’ve been the real Roman Brady. Now it turns out that my Step-Grandpa Black is also my Great-Uncle John. We found out his real-real name was Ryan and he is the son of Great-Grandpa Shawn Brady’s sister Colleen Brady and Santo DiMera, who is Stefano DiMera’s father. He’s married to my maternal Grandma Marlena Evans Brady Black. Her twin sister was Samantha Evans, whom my mom was named for. Now step-Grandpa John Black is the father of my mom’s half-sister, Belle Black, who is my Aunt. Wow, now since Step-Grandpa John Black is Great-Grandpa Shawn’s half-brother, then Aunt Belle and my mom are also cousins! Kind of funny that when Grandpa Roman came back “from the dead” (again), he looked a lot like an old family friend, Chris Kositchek; even more amusing is that Chris Kositchek’s younger brother, Jake, was the Salem Strangler, who killed great Aunt Samantha, years before my mom, her namesake, was born. My mom is also a twin. Uncle Eric Brady is her twin brother and he lives in Colorado again. He used to date Nicole Walker, but she broke up with my Uncle Eric to marry my dad, Lucas Roberts, so he could try to get custody of me. She then divorced my dad and married Victor Kiriakis, who is the grandfather of my Aunt Belle’s other half-brother, Brady Black; and he’s also the true father of my Great-Uncle Bo Brady, but I’ll get to that part later. My mother also had another half-brother who was born and died before she and Uncle Eric were even born. His name was D.J. Craig and he died of SIDS when he was a tiny baby. But who knows, he may turn up alive and well sometime too.

    For awhile, I believed my dad was my dad’s (Lucas) half-brother Austin Reed. But when we found out that Lucas was my dad, then I started calling my “dad”, Uncle Austin. Coincidentally, Uncle Austin was married to my mom’s other half-sister, Carrie Brady. They got a divorce and Aunt Carrie was living with Dr. Mike Horton in Israel. Now Dr. Mike Horton is also my Uncle, on my dad’s side. See, Uncle Mike Horton is my dad’s half- brother. They have the same father, Bill Horton, who is my paternal Grandpa. When he was married to Uncle Mike and Aunt Jennifer’s mother, Laura Horton, he had an affair with my Grandma Kate Roberts, who got pregnant with my dad, Lucas Roberts. Uncle Mike Horton is the father of my Cousin Jeremy, but no one ever mentions him anymore. Aunt Carrie broke up with Uncle Mike and she’s now back with Uncle Austin and they live in Europe.

    My Aunt Billie Reed, who is my dad's half sister, was once married to my Great-Uncle Bo Brady and they had a baby. Her name was Georgia Reed-Brady and she died. Well, at least we thought she died, but apparently she was somehow snatched away from Aunt Billie as soon as she was born (Aunt Billie and Uncle Bo were told that “Georgia” was stillborn) by the DiMeras and raised by the Benson family and renamed Chelsea and is now the best friend of my cousin Abby and Cousin Stephanie. Cousin Chelsea had the hots for Max Brady, who is my mom’s adopted uncle. When Max was a little boy, Grandpa Shawn and Grandma Caroline adopted Max and his older brother Frankie. Kind of weird, I know. Now Cousin Chelsea likes Cousin Nick, who is the son of my dad’s Cousin Jessica Blake and her husband Joshua Blake. Jessica’s mother, Great-Aunt Marie and my Grandpa Bill Horton are brother and sister.

    Aunt Billie Reed works for the ISA, just like Great-Uncle Bo Brady, Grandpa Roman Brady and step-Grandpa John Black. They also worked with Great-Uncle Shane Donovan who was married to Great-Aunt Kimberly Brady and is the father of my Cousins Andrew Donovan and Jeannie Donovan. Cousins Andrew and Jeannie Donovan live in England with their Dad, Shane.

    Got that so far?

    Aunt Belle Black was dating Shawn-Douglas Brady. He’s my Cousin too. His dad, Bo Brady, is my Grandpa Roman Brady’s half-brother. My Great-Aunt Kayla was married to Stephen “Patch” Johnson, who was the true brother of Jack Deveraux. Seems that when Jack was born, his and Patch’s mom, Jo, gave him up for adoption. Now….Jack Deveraux is married to Jennifer Horton, who is my dad’s half-sister, which makes her my Aunt Jennifer. My Grandma Marlena thought she killed Cousin Abby’s dad, Jack Deveraux, but that’s another story. Aunt Jennifer had a baby, little Cousin Jack Patrick. He was named after his dad Jack and Patrick Lockhart, who was Uncle Mickey’s step-son for awhile, but that’s a completely different story. You still with me?

    Uncle Jack Deveraux was supposedly dead and Aunt Jennifer had been dating Uncle Frankie Brady. He was adopted by Grandma and Grandpa Brady when he was a teenager and was thought to be Uncle Max’s older brother, but he was really the true brother of Aunt Jennifer’s school friend, Carly, who was known as Katerina Von Luechner. Uncle Frankie’s real name is Francois Von Leuchner.

    Turns out Uncle Jack Deveraux was alive and him and Aunt Jennifer got remarried and moved to England with Cousin Abby and Cousin Jack. Aunt Jennifer was going to marry Uncle Frankie Brady, but left him at the alter when Uncle Jack “came back from the dead”. Uncle Frankie left town soon after.

    Great-Aunt Kayla and Great-Uncle Patch, who died, well, we thought he died, are the parents of my Cousin Stephanie Johnson. Cousin Stephanie is dating Great-Uncle Max Brady. That’s kind of gross, but they say it’s OK because he was adopted. I don’t know about that………. Great Aunt Kayla and Great-Uncle Patch are having another baby. Yay! Another baby in the family!

    OK, now there’s Uncle Rex and Aunt Cassie. They are twins, like my mom and Uncle Eric are twins and my Grandma Marlena and Great-Aunt Samantha are twins. As far as we know right now, Grandpa Roman is their dad and Grandma Kate is their mother. But they were carried by Grandma Marlena and she gave birth to them. You still with me? So since Grandpa Roman is their dad, they are my mom’s half-brother and half-sister and since Grandma Kate is their mom, they are my dad’s half-brother and half-sister. Does that make them my whole Aunt and Uncle then? Oh yeah, my Grandma Marlena thought she killed Aunt Cassie and Grandpa Roman, but that’s another story. Aunt Cassie and Grandpa Roman were rescued from the tropical island and then the castle they were being held in. Aunt Cassie went upstairs of the pub and hasn’t been seen since. Uncle Rex was engaged to Mimi, who was Uncle Mickey’s step-daughter, but then Uncle Rex found out that Mimi had an abortion and lied to him about it and got really mad and he left town. Then Mimi married my cousin Shawn-Douglas Brady. But they got a divorce. While they were married, they went to have a baby via in vitro fertilization. Someone mixed up their eggs and sperm with the sperm and eggs of Aunt Belle and Uncle Philip. Aunt Belle ended up with her egg fertilized by Cousin Shawn-Douglas’ sperm, but she had a miscarriage. A surrogate mother ended up pregnant with Mimi’s egg fertilized by Uncle Philip’s sperm. Through a long series of events, that baby ended up as a foster baby of Great-Aunt Kayla and Great Uncle Patch and they called him Pocket. They eventually had to give him back to the foster agency and Uncle Philip allowed him to be adopted by a nice couple.

    My Great-Uncle Bo Brady (my Grandpa Roman’s brother) is married to Hope Brady, who is my dad’s Cousin. Hope’s mom, Addie, and my dad’s dad, Grandpa Bill Horton were brother and sister. Great-Uncle Bo and Cousin Hope Brady had another son, Zack Brady, my Cousin. He was raised by Lexie DiMera Carver and “Uncle” Abe Carver for the first year of his life, but that's another story completely. Aunt Billie’s daughter, Cousin Chelsea (who was known as “Georgia” the “stillborn infant”) was carelessly driving and hit and killed Cousin Zack on New Year’s Eve. Uncle Bo and Aunt Hope donated his organs and baby Cousin Claire got Cousin Zack’s liver. You still following this? By the way, my Grandma Marlena thought she killed “Uncle” Abe Carver too; but again, that’s another story. Great-Uncle Bo and Cousin Hope had another baby, a little girl they named Ciara Alice Brady. She’s my cousin.

    My other Cousin, Cousin Julie, is married to Doug Williams, who is Cousin Hope’s dad. Grandma Marlena thought she killed him too, but again, we won’t get into that.

    My Uncle Philip (my dad’s half brother) is also a half brother with Great-Uncle Bo Brady. See, Great-Grandma Caroline had an affair with Victor Kiriakis and Great-Uncle Bo Brady was born. Great-Grandpa Shawn never knew until much, much later, but he still considers Bo his son. Bo still goes by the last name Brady. Victor Kiriakis is also Uncle Philip’s dad. Uncle Philip and Great-Uncle Bo had a half sister named Isabella, who died. She was married to my step-Grandpa John Black. They had a son and his name is Brady Black. He’s my step-Uncle. My Aunt Belle was named after Uncle Philip’s dead half sister Isabella because step-Grandpa John Black delivered Belle and Grandma Marlena named her Isabella after John’s deceased wife. They started calling Aunt Belle, “Belle” right after she was born. Aunt Belle and Uncle Philip got married. Actually, they made it to alter, and Cousin Shawn-Douglas Brady crashed the wedding (literally) and stopped it, but not after Aunt Belle and Uncle Philip were pronounced husband and wife. Again, that’s a whole different story. Kind of weird that Aunt Belle was Cousin Shawn-Douglas’ Aunt, through marriage. Now Aunt Belle gave birth to baby Cousin Claire. We thought it was Uncle Philip’s baby, it turned out that Cousin Shawn-Douglas was her daddy. You still with me? My Step-Uncle Brady married Chloe Lane, who isn’t related to the Hortons or Bradys, that we know of. Aunt Belle and Cousin Shawn-Douglas finally got married. They broke up because she hooked up with Uncle Philip, but I think they got it all worked out and are back together.

    Even though Uncle Philip’s mom is Grandma Kate, she didn’t give birth to him. He was carried by step-Aunt Vivian Alamain. Step Aunt Vivian is step-Grandpa John Black’s Aunt Vivian because he was raised as Forest Alamain, although he was supposedly the blood half-brother of Tony DiMera. (but we’ve since learned that supposedly he is Stefano’s half-brother) Step-Grandpa’s John’s adoptive brother is Lawrence Alamain who is married to Carly Manning (well, I think they’re married), who went to boarding school with Aunt Jennifer and her brother is Francois, who was once known as Frankie Brady, who was adopted by Grandma and Grandpa Brady and was an adopted brother to Grandpa Roman, Uncle Bo, Aunt Kimberly and Aunt Kayla, which made him an adopted Uncle of my mom, Sami. “Uncle Frankie” was Aunt Jennifer’s first real boyfriend. Lawrence Alamain and Carly Manning have a son named Nicholas who went with his parents as a little boy and came back a grown man and he had an “relationship” with Grandma Kate. Grandma Kate is awfully friendly, don’t ya think?

    Speaking of Tony DiMera, seems that he was held hostage on a tropical island for 25 years and who we thought was Tony DiMera was his evil cousin Andre DiMera. Now the real Tony is back in Salem and dating Anna DiMera, who is Aunt Carrie’s mother. She used to be married to Grandpa Roman Brady before Grandpa Roman married my Grandma Marlena. Anna was pregnant with Aunt Carrie when she fell out of a boat and presumed dead. She was rescued and gave birth to Aunt Carrie on that ship. She came back to Salem when Grandpa Roman was about to marry Grandma Marlena, bringing a 4-year old Aunt Carrie with her. Grandpa Roman ended up marrying Grandma Marlena and Anna eventually married Tony DiMera. You still with me?

    My Great-Grandma Alice is also Grandma to Uncle Bo’s wife, Hope and Uncle Bo’s step-mother-in-law, Julie, as well as all of the other Horton family members. My Great-Grandpa Tom Horton died many years before I was born, I think. No one mentions Uncle Tommy and Aunt Marie anymore, as well as Cousins Sandy, David, Scotty, Steven, Spencer (NOTE: Cousin Spencer is Cousin Steven’s son [Cousin Steven is Cousin Julie’s whole brother and Cousin Hope’s half brother], but when Cousin Jennifer and Cousin Hope made Great-Grandma Alice a family website on the internet, they completely left him out. Gee, that sucks, huh?), Sarah, Melissa or Jessica. Poor foster-Cousin Janice was murdered by Cousin Abby’s Grandpa, Harper Deveraux. Uncle Mickey married Bonnie and then Aunt Maggie came home, after everyone thought she was dead. Uncle Mickey didn’t know which wife to stay with, but eventually went with his true love, Aunt Maggie. Grandma Marlena thought she killed Aunt Maggie, Great-Grandma Alice, Cousin Hope’s dad, Doug, “Uncle” Abe Carver and Grandma Caroline. Turns out they were all alive and well on a tropical island.

    Eventually they all came home and it was so wonderful to have Grandma Marlena, Grandpa Roman, Aunt Cassie, Uncle Jack, Grandma Caroline and Victor back in Salem. It was quite a shock to everyone, especially to Grandma Kate and Step-Grandpa John, who had turned to each other in grief and were engaged.

    Eventually Step-Grandpa John and Grandma Marlena kind of got back together and Grandma Kate and Grandpa Roman did too, and they arranged a surprise renewal of wedding vows. At the wedding, Grandma Marlena collapsed and we all learned that she was pregnant and that Grandpa Roman was the dad. Ewwwwww! They’re like, well, old people, aren’t they? It’s kind of gross when your Grandma and Grandpa are going to have a new baby, especially when they’re married to other people. But then again, this is Salem.

    I was kind of excited to think that maybe I’d have a new Aunt or Uncle, but sadly Grandma Marlena fell down the stairs, lost her baby and well, her memory too.

    Dr. Lexie called in a specialist and here is where it gets weird. His name is Dr. Alex North and he looks JUST LIKE Grandpa Roman used to look. Dr. Alex North took Grandma Marlena away to some cabin and he was trying to help her remember all of us. Maybe I should give her a copy of this to memorize. Step-Grandpa John Black and Grandpa Roman and “Uncle” Abe were convinced Dr. Alex North was up to no good and proved that he was trying to harm Grandma Marlena.

    My mom and dad were going to get married. Uncle Austin came home for the wedding, and Grandma Kate wasn’t invited because we found out that she wasn’t very nice to my mom. Bummer. But Grandma Kate got the last laugh when she found out that my mom stupidly dressed up like a guy and called herself Stan and almost got my dad, Uncle Philip, Step-Uncle Brady and Cousin Shawn-Douglas killed. She also got Step-Grandpa John Black hooked on drugs again. When dad found out what mom did, he dumped her at the alter. My mom never learns. But after a lot of different things happening, including my mom being raped by E.J. DiMera, who is Step-Grandpa John Black’s nephew and the son of Stefano DiMera, my mom and dad finally got married.

    Mom found out she was pregnant with a set of twins. Just what this family needs, another set of twins. She had a little boy and a little girl. They named the boy twin John Roman Horton (Dad changed his last name from Roberts to Horton) and the girl twin Alice Caroline Horton (after her 2 great grandmothers). The boy twin was named John after Step-Grandpa John Black because he was hit by a car and we thought he died. Well, we went to his funeral, but in Salem, that doesn’t mean much. Turns out that mean Stefano DiMera had him hidden in the mansion and erased his memory. He’s back with Grandma Marlena, but he doesn’t really remember her, or any of us.

    Everyone was reading some old letters written by Great-Aunt Colleen Brady and Santos DiMera during their love affair. Turns out supposedly the only way to get rid of the Brady-DiMera Vendetta is for a Brady and a DiMera to get married. So my mom divorced my dad and married E.J. DiMera, who is the son of Stefano DiMera. At their wedding, E.J. was shot in the back. My dad confessed to the crime and is in prison, but he’s hiding something. (P.S.: I’m pretty sure I did it, because the next day dad shipped me to Europe to live with Aunt Carrie and Uncle Austin).

    Mom has stayed married to E.J. DiMera, for now. Seems he is the biological father of little Johnny, the boy twin, my little half-brother. We’ll see about that. Bet it turns out my dad is his dad too and he’ll be my whole brother, the way that Allie is my whole sister.

    Great-Grandpa Shawn died recently and it was very sad. Aunt Kim Brady came home for the funeral. I heard it was nice to see her again. Speaking of Aunt Kim, many people don't know that Uncle Philip's dad, Victor Kiriakis thought he was the father of Great Aunt Kim's son, cousin Andrew. But cousin Andrew got hurt and needed blood and they found out that Victor's blood didn't match and Great Uncle Shane Donovan was his real daddy. Great-Uncle Bo Brady is very sick and could die. I hope not.

    Step-Uncle Brady Black is missing and Step-Aunt Chloe is back in Salem and seems to be hooking up with Uncle Philip. Ewwwwww, don’t these people have any morals?!

    Well, if you’re confused by any of this, do not hesitate to e-mail me with any questions at OneMessedUpFamilyTree@ScrewedUpFamiliesInSalem.com

    -Will Roberts Horton

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    California
    Posts
    6,303

    Re: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    Just Samantha, this is great. Made for some funny Sunday afternoon reading. You are a scholar to remember all of this stuff. I bet you had some good laughs while putting it together.

    Will can sing that old country song, "I'm My Own Grandpa" in truth, just about. Poor kid, no wonder he ran off to Switzerland.


  3. #3

    Re: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    I figured of anyone in Salem, he had the most twisted family tree since he was the only true 1/2 Brady and 1/2 Horton character (unless they change Lucas' real father); now Allie has the same twisted tree! (and who knows, maybe Johnny will too if they change his real father to be Lucas and not EJ).

    I wrote this about 4 or 5 years ago and wasn't "this" bad! It was originally only 1 typed page. Now it's 3 pages long! I try to update it after each "major" event.

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jul 2002
    Posts
    3,410

    Re: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    Uncle Jack Deveraux was supposedly dead and Aunt Jennifer had been dating Uncle Frankie Brady. He was adopted by Grandma and Grandpa Brady when he was a teenager and was thought to be Uncle Max’s older brother, but he was really the true brother of Aunt Jennifer’s school friend, Carly, who was known as Katerina Von Luechner. Uncle Frankie’s real name is Francois Von Leuchner.
    Wow, I never knew that Max and Frankie are not real brothers. Loved the family tree.....poor Will. I'm thinking soon you will be able to add that Will shot his Mother's new husband and his Father (Lucas) went to jail for him. Will feeling guilty came back to Salem to tell the truth. Because he was a minor he was let off easy.

  5. #5

    Re: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    Yeah, at first everyone thought Frankie and Max were real brothers, but it later came out that Max's real dad was some abusive loser named Trent and years later when the whole Carly/Lawrence mess was cooked up, they made Frankie the younger brother of Carly, who was hiding out in Salem. Give me a break!! I think they sort of "forgot" that storyline.

  6. #6

    Re: My Twisted Family Tree, by Will Roberts (long but funny)"

    this was funny. you should write for DOOL.

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