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mtj
1.11.17, 8:58 AM
Winning submissions to The Washington Postís yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:

1. Coffee (N.), the person upon whom one coughs

2. Flabbergasted (Adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained

3. Abdicate (V.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

4. Esplanade (V.), to attempt an explanation while drunk

5. Willy-nilly (Adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (Adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (V.), to walk with a lisp

8. Gargoyle (N.), olive-flavored mouthwash

9. Flatulence (N.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

10. Balderdash (N.), a rapidly receding hairline

11. Testicle (N.), a humorous question on an exam

12. Rectitude (N.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists

13. Pokeman (N.), a Rastafarian proctologist

14. Oyster (N.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish

15. Frisbeetarianism (N.) the belief that when you die, your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there

16. Circumvent (N.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men

The Washington Post also had a contest to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. The best of those was:

Ignoranus (N.), a person who is both stupid and an asshole

Agent99
1.11.17, 9:25 AM
These are hilarious!! I must admit I don't know what 15 is. Frisbeetariansim? Never heard of it. Ignoranus!! LOL! Flatulence is probably my favorite.

KrisMich
1.11.17, 11:15 AM
Willy-nilly... hehehehehe! These are so funny!

mtj
1.11.17, 7:43 PM
Frisbeetarianism is a play on Presbyterian.

Agent99
1.12.17, 4:04 PM
I'm a lapsed Catholic who became Lutheran. That's why I didn't get it. Ha ha.