Big doings this week: Jessica gave Cris and Roseanne a wedding
present they'll never forget: The Truth!; Bo got tough with Asa and [*gasp*] Nora; Lindsay's got another secret;
and Ben moped around like a crabby loser -- oh, I forgot, that happens *every* week!
Roseanne was just about to leave for the church when Jessica showed up. The girls traded insults, with Roseanne
alternately slamming Jessica and pleading with her to keep quiet. But Jessica wouldn't budge and told Roseanne,
"I'm gonna tell Cristian before he makes the biggest mistake of his life."
Poor Roseanne. She was so close to achieving her dream and there stood Jessica -- smack dab in her way. So she
locked Jessica in the closet and hightailed it to the church. Luckily, the super's nosy wife heard Jess pounding
on the door and let her out.
Okay, before we get back to the drama at hand, let's first dish the wedding itself:
Roseanne and Cris's spartan guest list was almost as pathetic as Sam and Nora's. They had three guests (Carlotta,
Tea, and R.J.) to Sam and Nora's two (Viki and Ben). Geez, Max and Kelly had bigger turnout!
Why did wardrobe stick Tea in that peculiar dress? Actually, the dress itself was okay, but that high-necked sleeveless
bolero shrug was very weird.
On the other hand, Roseanne was a stunning bride, and Cristian looked tres handsome, if slightly goofy with his
hair slicked back. Poor Carlotta wore a dark navy dress more suitable for a funeral.
Now back to the action:
Just *after* the priest pronounced Cris and Roseanne husband and wife, Jess arrived. I'm so happy Jess stood her
ground even though she got there too late." She delivered the ultimate salvo: "Your wife is a lying bitch."
Go, Jess! Now, I'm not suggesting that the soaps go HBO, but using "witch" as a euphemism really doesn't
pack the same punch.
Seeing Cris and Roseanne at the alter, the old Jess might have cut and run, but the new wised-up Jessica kept her
cool even as Roseanne got more and more hysterical. Jessica was going to tell Cristian the truth no matter what,
and she did.
But even after Jessica explained about Will and the money, Roseanne kept on lying, desperately begging Cristian
to believe that it was all Will's idea. Then Will showed up (how the hell did he find the church?) and confirmed
Jessica's story. And *still* Roseanne lied, till Cris dragged her over to the pulpit and put her hand on the bible.
(You know, if these two stay married, Cris may want to keep a copy of the good book on hand, sort of a budget polygraph).
I love it! Roseanne didn't even have one moment of enjoyment! Before it had even begun, Roseanne's dream life blew
up in her face. Then Cris decked Will and ran off as Roseanne collapsed in a puddle of tulle on the church floor
sobbing, "Why me?".
I don't know what the guy at TV Guide online is talking about, accusing the actors of "sleepwalking"
through their scenes. I thought Erika Page especially did a super job with Roseanne's baby diva meltdown. And Erin
Torphy was fine as well. It's not Jessica's style to rant and rave.
I'm so glad the truth is finally out -- if they would've dragged things out, I was ready to burst.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, I mean, mansion: Sam showed up to try and keep Ben from shooting Asa. One question:
Why is Ben so stupid? Second question: Why does Sam waste his breath on this loser? Instead of trying to reason
with Ben, Sam should've just cold-cocked him with the nearest blunt object. One more thing: On top of everything
else, Ben is totally selfish: Sam should be concentrating on Will right now, instead he's forced to run after his
Soon Max called the cops and John Sykes showed up, and then Bo arrived on the scene. Blair came up with a good
story: there was no gun, just Max having another "episode." It was awfully nice of Blair to come to Ben's
defense. I doubt if Max and Asa will thank her for her efforts. Bo had Ben searched -- no gun (Sam took it), but
refused to search Sam. Then Sam told Asa that he'd make him pay for what he pulled on Will and Bo said he would
too! Asa was disgusted and told Bo: "Betrayal wears me out."
As a parting shot, Bo slammed Max for being a spineless sycophant, I loved it. Once they were alone, Blair also
lit into her husband, telling him she wanted the old Max back: Max Holden *not* Max Buchanan. Nobody pulls off
that mixture of anger, hurt, and gut-level emotion like KdP -- fabulous!
Later in the week, Blair tried to make Skye disappear by offering her money. LOL when Blair wrote Skye a check
for a million bucks and Skye said, "Thanks, Regis," then tore up the check. Next Max showed up wanting
to talk to Skye -- alone. Blair was steaming. She and Max hashed it out in the hallway and actually got closer
than they've been in
weeks. I love Blair when she's fightin' gleaming tooth and manicured nail for her man!
Oh, the ego on Max! He thinks he can control Skye by using sex as a weapon. Skye seemed more than willing to go
along for the ride but let him know that she's still calling the shots. Max backed off.
Max also popped in at Crossroads to threaten Ben -- pretty laughable, but Ben seemed to take Max seriously and
told him that Asa was no longer in danger from him -- kind of lily-livered I thought.
So are Ben and Blondie over? For now, at least (yeah!). Instead of rushing over to Viki's and throwing himself
at her feet to beg forgiveness, Ben sat around Sam's feeling sorry for himself. Finally, he called Viki. Come on,
the phone!?! Is he too gutless to risk rejection face-to-face, or doesn't he care enough to take the chance? I
mean, if these two are
soul-mates for real, it would take more than a fight (even a big doozy of a fight), to destroy that bond.
Don't get me wrong, Viki should sweat Ben, he deserves it. But if she's as gone on him as she claims to be, it's
ridiculous to let one fight end it, especially considering the fact that, in essence, she gave him an ultimatum.
She may be brokenhearted, but Viki looked great in her well-cut dove-gray suit. There was a nice scene between
Kevin and Viki, in which he almost succeeded in making his mother feel better till he jokingly commented, "You've
still got your health." Ouch.
Later, Kevin found out about his mother's mammogram and convinced her to make an appointment for a follow-up ultrasound.
You know, I absolutely loathe and despise Kevin when he's around Kelly -- the rat! -- but with his mom and also
with Ben this week, Kevin was a very appealing sounding board.
Speaking of Kevin and Kelly... Kelly tried to convince Kevin there was nothing between them -- yeah, right. This
ain't over by a long shot. BTW: I loved Kelly's cool silver leather jacket!
Lots of action on the Bo/Nora/Lindsay/Sam front this week. Lindsay blew a gasket when she discovered Bo and Nora
together at the lodge (they'd both gone there -- separately -- looking for Asa). Even with her son's future at
stake, Lindsay still found time to hurl accusations at Nora.
It didn't help that Lindsay found Nora lovingly cradling Bo's jacket -- the intimacy of the gesture wasn't lost
on the future Mrs. Bo Buchanan, and she accused Nora of "fondling his [Bo's] jacket like it was the holy robe."
This led to another major (and majorly entertaining) Lindsay and Nora blow-out, and this time Lindsay's paranoia
got the better of her. Poor Lindsay is wound so tight she practically let the cat out of the bag herself. Nora
toyed with her a bit, letting her believe that she knew the truth and had already spoken to Bo, but ultimately
she relented (after Lindsay got sick -- literally). Still, Nora put Lindsay on notice that she would find out her
secret and tell Bo everything. Nora's instinct for the truth is humming. She knows there's a big fat secret and
she's determined to figure it out and tell Bo.
Is Lindsay sick? As in morning sickness? Yep, it looks like our little Lindsay is preggers. Gee, even after that
scare a few months ago, I guess neither Lindsay nor Bo thought to use protection. I found it interesting that Lindsay
told Sam about the baby before she told Bo. Not to sound callous, but my gut tells me this baby won't make it to
Something's gonna happen and somehow Lindsay will find a way to blame Nora. (Either that or Nora will end up delivering
At home later, Nora asked Sam if he knew what Lindsay was hiding. Sam dodged the question by asking Nora why she
was so preoccupied with Bo and Lindsay. You know, Sam is pretty long-suffering when it comes to Nora and the torch
she carries for her ex, but when he found that blue ribbon from the dance content in their desk drawer, he'd had
enough. He confronted Nora and she apologized.
Then Lindsay and Bo showed up to discuss Will. Bo suggested they avoid a trial by offering Asa financial restitution.
He even offered to pay the $500,000 himself. Sam and Lindsay did a slow burn as Nora agreed with everything Bo
said. Sam got mad, but ultimately agreed that Bo was right; however, he refused to accept Bo's money.
Speaking privately, Sam warned Lindsay that Nora is onto her and told her to do a better job keeping a tight lip.
In the other room, Bo told Nora that he was tired of her innuendoes about Lindsay and if she had something to say
to speak up. So she did. Nora told Bo that Lindsay was keeping something from him. And that's when Bo absolutely
nailed Nora, "You know, I remember who told me the biggest lie of my life and it wasn't Lindsay." Nora
was hurt, but took it like a champ, telling Bo she deserved that comment, but to mark her words, Lindsay had a
secret: a secret that might destroy their relationship. Hey, if Bo and Lindsay do get married and the truth comes
out, Nora can always borrow Jessica's great line: "Your wife is a lying bitch!"
Bo got tough and told Nora to stop slamming Lindsay, but Nora kept at it. Even when Bo said "This is none
of your business," Nora persisted, telling Bo she didn't want him to marry someone he couldn't trust. Bo fired
back, "I already did that once." -- ouch!
It was exciting to see Bo and Nora drop the "just friends" facade and really let their emotions fly.
Nora's motivations seem pretty clear, but what about Bo? Is he gallantly defending his new lady love or does his
anger reveal that he is still hung up on Nora and far from over the hurting she dealt him?
After Bo and Sam left for Asa's, Lindsay tried to extend yet another olive branch in Nora's direction, but Nora
was right there with the pruning shears -- snip!
Sam and Bo approached Asa with their proposal (all charges dropped and no formal acknowledgement of guilt in exchange
for financial restitution and community service). Renee encouraged Asa to take the offer, but Asa said no dice.
So Bo told him one-on-one, take the deal or I take a hike. Now Asa's right, Bo has made this type of threat
before, but this time, he seems pretty damn serious about it.
What a delight to see Dorian on Friday. I'm going to cherish each and every scene knowing we soon will lose Robin
Strasser. Nora thought she could finagle the truth about Lindsay's secret out of Dorian -- come on! You don't kid
a kidder, you don't scheme a schemer, and baby, you don't mess with the messer. Nora, sweetheart, you're way out
of your league!
The week ended with Lindsay taking a home pregnancy test, busily making deals with the almighty: a baby in exchange
for future saintly behavior. -- Yeah, sure.
- Geez, Kevin, if my mom was dating a loser like
Ben, I'd be celebrating their breakup not trying to play cupid.
- I loved Max's reference to Carlo Hesser. Boy,
oh, boy -- that was another “onelifetime” ago.
- Why did Sam offer Ben his gun back?
- I forgot to mention last week that Viki's doctor
(Dr. Hanson) is being portrayed by the first lady of NYC Donna Hanover Giuliani. I'm no fan of her husband (and
according to rumors, neither is she), but the lady is doing an excellent job!
- Obviously, Jessica didn't letter in track!
She practically limped over to the church. Why, I've made better time running for the bus!
- Setting bail at one million dollars?! Geez,
does Hank always have to be such a hard-ass?
- Isn't bail usually 10% -- did Sam really have
to put of the full million?
- Hey, Roseanne, even though Catholic church
doesn't allow divorce, annulment is a very real possibility.
- How is Will allowed to leave the state? He's
- Where did Blair get a million dollars? From
Max's bank account? Gee, maybe I should try to pass myself off as Midge Buchanan.
- This restitution thing has me a little confused.
I thought the money was traceable to some amateurishly arranged off-shore account -- can't it be recovered?
- What's the deal where Ben can't control himself?
Try growing up, or getting a grip, or seeing a shrink.
- Thanks a lot, Father Blabbermouth! I thought
Roseanne told the priest about her (fake) pregnancy in confidence. His pre-ceremony remarks practically spelled
out the situation to the entire wedding party.
- More hints that Ben is Asa's son -- that'll
be a great reveal. It'll be a toss-up over who's most disgusted by the news: father or son.